slowponyhome

12 days of December

2011-12-13T22:42:00.002-05:00

I have felt the pull to take more photos lately. Something shifted and I've missed capturing the daily "stuff". My big camera has been neglected and I'm planning to use it more in 2012 including some secret missions. I decided to try to capture our December this year. And I'm just using my iPhone and Instagram. (I love Instagram and I'm @gypsymama if you'd like to follow me.)

So here is our December so far. We have two birthday's in the next week AND we're going to be traveling a little bit so I'm not sure how well I'll finish this out but it's been fun so far.

"How about we just live together?"

My second knitting project ever.

Watching Whitney all comfy in my bed.

Flowers in the Target parking lot. Flowers. Outside. In December. This is not Wisconsin.

Food Truck Invasion. It's become a regular event for us.

Crafting Christmas gifts, which I later realized would not be able to ship due to the delicateness of them.

A package came from Nana. The kids were so happy to have treats from "home"

I bought a crock pot, to make salves :) but we've since used it for dinner. Finding a place to store it in the RV has been a challenge however.

This girl has such style. She'll be 17 next week.

I've been forgetting this lately. That I am enough. I'm so thankful that it's there when I need the reminder.

Took our donuts to the beach but it was too rainy and windy. So we sat in the car.

These girls. Oh these girls of my heart.

Inspiration Monday

2011-10-17T10:11:00.000-04:00

I've had several tabs open for a week or more wanting to come here and share them. I decided that today was a good day for that. It's rainy here in Miami and blog posts seem to come easier when I'm snuggled in the RV.

Colorful Farmhouse I love color and I'm missing a house a bit lately. I've run out of space to paint & decorate. That must mean it's time for some new projects in the RV.

World's Biggest Summit I'm a huge Goddess Leonie fan and this hasn't disappointed at all.

Oil Cleansing Method I love this method for washing my face and having it in a more solid form would be perfect for life on the road.

I cut off my dreadlocks. It wasn't a rash decision and I couldn't be happier. I love my hair so much and I've not felt like that in a really long time. Here's the video I posted to Facebook if you missed it.

I've been watching Dharma & Greg when I have a few moments to myself. I love it even more now than I did when it was on a few years ago. I love Dharma's quirkiness and I'm learning some really valid things from her. Like how to be silly and let go of what people think.

I'm looking so forward to connecting with this girl and hopefully some other strong women of my tribe in the near future while we are in Florida. I'm missing deep connection with friends face to face. I was able to go to Kentucky before we came to Florida and I blogged about that beautiful experience with my friend Angie at Milagro Girl.

The music of Ryan Adams has always moved me and his new album is no exception.

And on the subject of music. I'm feeling a pull. I can't explain it and I'm not really ready to blog about it. But this video...it moves me.

If you have something that is inspiring you that you'd like to share I'd love it if you linked here. Much love... a

A video update from me

2011-09-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

Slow Pony Home Update from Alicia Thiede on Vimeo.

My new blog for women and truth can be found here Milagro Girl

I've missed this place, it's nice to be fully here again. Thanks for checking in.

Safety and Loss

2011-05-29T11:01:00.000-04:00

(Warning: Spoilers in this post)

Yesterday we took the family to see Kung Fu Panda.We loved the first movie and looked forward to Jack Black and his crazy panda humor. I am kicking myself for living in a naive place and not reading the plot of the movie. I learned my lesson and will do that every.single.time I take my tender trauma healing child to a movie.

The movie had a strong adoption theme. And while it was done well in my opinion, I did not see it coming and had not prepared my now-verbal and very aware four year old. When they mentioned the word adoption in the beginning she looked at me with questionable eyes. She sat through the film pretty well and was on mine or her Dad's lap the whole time. But I knew the bomb would drop.

Here's my summary of the movie :

{Po comes face to face with a symbol that flashed him back to the night Po was a baby, and ended up with his father, Mr Ping. Po questions his father about this event and his adoptive father tells him how he came to find Po in the radish's that were delivered to him each day. His father tells him that he knows Po's story may not have a happy beginning but that Po can go on to make a beautiful life and that Po is making a difference as the Dragon Warrior. Po senses that there is more to the story and goes on to search out the truth.

When Po comes face to face with the peacock, Lord Shen, later in the movie, the peacock refuses to tell Po what happened when Po was a baby, Po knows that Lord Shen was there the night Po's parents left him. Po freezes and is then injured. He ends up at the soothsayer's home where he comes to remember the events around the time when he went to his adoptive home. It turns out the Peacock wanted all pandas killed because of a vision and so Po's mother left him in a safe place to be found and then Po ended up at the the Mr Ping's restaurant. The soothsayer says to Po "Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but look how it turned out. Your past does not define you. It is what you decide to be that does."

Po then goes on to defeat the evil Shen (Peacock) with the help of the Furious Five. Po then returns to the Mr Ping's restaurant and tells his him that he (Mr Ping) is his father. They embrace and then it flashed to a scene where there are several panda's and one gets a sense that his son is still alive }

Again I feel that the movie references to adoption were done very well. We all know that is not always the case. I just wish I had prepared us all for the topic.

When we came home it all let loose and we spent the evening processing and recovering. We talked about adoption and how in Yellow's case it was just like Po in that she needed to be safe, so she came to live with us. But it still sucks and it's still hard and her heart is still broken. I am thankful that we get opportunities like this to talk about her life and to process the pain. But as another adoptive mom said, "Sometimes I just want to walk in the theater and watch a movie with my kids and not have it be work."

Digging Deeper Inspiration Monday

2011-05-02T00:35:00.000-04:00

It's my first video post, in case you can't tell by the first frame and the silly look on my face. Enjoy!

Vlog Post May 2 from Alicia Thiede on Vimeo.

You can click the link the photo below to learn more about the e-book that I talked about in the video. (I am affiliate for Digging Deep and that means I get some money for every purchase that you make through this link. This small income helps feed my latte addiction. ;) )

Other inspiring things to me right now

This post about Feel Anyway

23 Things You May Not Know About You

Eden Foods website has recipe categories for gluten free AND macrobiotic

Tara Whitney linked to this Rainbow Gathering on facebook last week and it's worth taking some moments to browse the beautiful photos and dream about attending

I love this Meditation app on my iPhone. I tend to use it more to fall asleep or to drown out noise than for meditation and it's a new favorite app.

I hope your day is amazing.

learning in the quiet places

2011-04-26T21:56:00.000-04:00

We've been in many transitions the last few months. I've spent the last two months parenting and running daily life mostly on my own. It's been a growing time for sure. There have been freak outs and breakdowns. There have been victories and moments of strength that I didn't see coming. There have been airport discussions and road trips. There have been dance parties and days filled with tears.

And in all of it I'm learning so much about myself, about my marriage, and about my parenting. I'm finding myself so open to learning right now. I want to study myself and figure out what it is that holds me back in the crystal moments. I want to stare at my kids and watch them grow and learn. I want to grab my husbands hand and never let go.

I'm reminded more and more that these are the moments that matter. That when I get quiet and alone (which is rare of course) I long to learn more about what it is that makes me tick, what it is that is birthing inside of me right now.

In this time I'm attempting to read and fill my mind with things that help me look longer towards my life and what matters to ME personally.

I'm really loving the Creating My Goddess Year Planner that I downloaded a couple weeks ago. I know it's almost May but it felt like the right time for me to continue to evaluate what I wanted for this year. I love the colors and the ability to fill it in when the moments feel right. (I am affiliate for the Goddess Planner and that means I get some money for every purchase that you make through this link. This small income helps feed my latte addiction. ;) )

And that fit right with the reassuring advice here. I've always felt bad for the way my interests and dreams wax and wane but this gave me a bit of peace.

I'm ~~totally~~ mostly content to sit in these moments. There's a part of me that wants to burst into what's ahead but I want to do the work first, to dig a bit and be fully ripe for whatever lies before me.

The Power of Play

2011-03-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

Today I am avoiding the pain that I feel as we leave Texas and talking about parenting instead. It's intentional and a welcome distraction from the puffy eyes.

One of the challenges of parenting kids with trauma is not getting sucked into the drama. (I could turn this into a rap but will spare you that.) They love to throw you off track and cause you to lose focus. I know for me my RADish will do all that she can to see any sort of reaction from me. Some days I can keep my cool, others I can got from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds.

When we were seeing our attachment therapist in Wisconsin she introduced us to a book that has stuck with us and I'm now using to keep my sanity. It's called So You Want to be a Princess which is perfect because my daughter is in full on princess mode.

We have taken the concept, which basically says that my daughter is a Princess and I am The Queen and this Queen wants very much to help the Princess turn into the best Princess that she can. The Queen is good and loving and loves the Princess very much. And while sometimes the Princess wants to do things that are harmful, the Queen will still do all that she can to help the Princess.

Yesterday we had a rough morning which included me carrying my youngest to Christine's home, so she could continue to rage, while I rubbed the back of my 11 year old, who was puking. I was not feeling therapeutic at all. After getting my crap together I got creative.

The bedroom is now the Princesses sleeping quarters, the RV is now the castle. There's a brown and pink horse that carries the Princess into her sleeping quarters at the end of the day. His name is Sam. Where before there was lunch, now there is a royal banquet, where all of the Royalty use their best manners.

I am finding that life as the Queen is much better than that of a mom who loses her cool and gets sucked into the negative. I am separating myself and my own triggers from my child's. I am using my creativity to parent a child who wants very much to believe there is a Princess inside of her, past her hurt and her fears. After all a Queen is held to a higher standard. She does not lose it in front of others because the paparazzi may catch it on film and use it against her later. It does not mean that the Queen is perfect, it means that her strategy and choices are very intentional.

So what could it be for you? What creative thing could you do to make parenting more fun? Whether or not you parent trauma, it is so much more fun to mix things up and use your imagination. Maybe your child is a Rockstar and you are her Manager., helping her get her message out and making sure that the crowds don't wear her down. Maybe your child is an Astronaut and you are his Trainer for life in space. Maybe they are a bear cub and you are the Mama bear who makes the den a safe place and takes the baby bear into the field to run and play.

It's back to the Royal Castle for me and possibly a new jewel for my crown. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it.

Things That Make Me Happy Today

2011-03-08T12:25:00.000-05:00

This week is a traveling week for us. We will leave the green hills of Texas and head to the Frozen Tundra. The kids and I have been here for the past 3.5 weeks on our own, while my love has been working up north. It was too cold to take the RV that direction but it's ~~a tad warmer~~, like 30 degrees now. I pick him up tomorrow at the airport and after much making out in the airport he will drive us 1300 miles in 4 days.

It will be rough to leave here. We've been here since early December. Three months is a long time for my gypsy soul to be in one place. I am excited for the next chapter and to see family and familiar things again. But it will be hard to leave the love that is Hill Shade and my girl Christine. There will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth on the day we drive up the hill.

In the meantime here are some things that are inspiring me and bringing my nuggets of joy in amidst the chaos.

*I love Danielle and have been reading her stuff for years. This post is a couple years old but worth reading if you missed it

Tara, seems to channel my brain and her post yesterday made me weep.

Pinterest is a new love and time suck. Don't say I didn't warn you.

In my Visionary Mom team we use the term "holding a space" for each other and I love how this author describes what that means.

And for a little fun. The kids and I have been watching Idol again this season and I have a new love for J Lo. Don't judge me. I love her new song, it's great for dancing to. You know, if you're the dancing type.

kisses

2011-02-25T17:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't been doing a lot of photography sessions since we left home. It wasn't really something I planned to do while on the road. Dan works a crazy amount of hours and it just didn't seem practical. I am excited to be back in Wisconsin this summer and plan to jump back in while we are there.

When Khrista contacted me about a session I jumped at the opportunity. This girl has a great eye and I love looking at photos of her sweet family. They were able to come out to the park this week and I got to capture them. It was so fun and great exercise. {I forgot what it's like to have a toddler.}

Look how sweet they are...

Raw

2011-02-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

I feel sometimes like I've glamorized our life. The truth is that I really try hard to find the positive in our little world. Sometimes it's harder to find than other times. But I try to dig and find it so that my kids will know that it's usually there somewhere and always worth seeking out.

I think that people have a tendency to see what we're doing and say "you're living the dream" and I'm glad that we've made it look like that, but the thing is....it's still real life and that means sometimes it sucks.

We knew for years that we wanted to travel full time AND that Dan and/or I would have to do something financially to make that happen. That's a no brainer, no money coming in would mean no travel for us. Especially considering we would be going on the road with debt, mostly medical but also things like RV and car payments. And who am I kidding I have kids that can eat. A lot. So even simple every day costs would mean we would have to pull in some kind of income.

When he began this job we knew it wasn't perfect, but we were excited because it got us on the road. We kept saying that over and over. And the excitement carried us through last summer. The hours suck. It's that simple. He was gone a lot.

When he got laid off we were of course concerned about how things would be over the winter. He's been able to work a little here and there and we are super thankful for those connections. We fell into an easy groove of extreme simple living and creative gift giving for not only Christmas but four birthdays.

But something happened in the midst of the time together. We've made some sweet discoveries. And one of them is that we like to be together. You know how some couples can't work together and actually thrive having a lot of time apart? Well that's not us. We have never been together this much and we love it. (Except for that one moment when I said "How about we stop talking!)

In a few days he will leave to go back to Wisconsin, and we will join him in a few weeks. It will suck. He has worked the last three days and put in 40 hours. It sucks. (And I'm fine with the fact that I used the word "sucks" so many times.)

It's not really feeling like a dream right now. It has me longing for a tiny house and a 40 hour work week. I miss him. I miss him here with us.

So yes, being able to travel is amazing and feeds my gypsy soul. But I'm not sure it's worth being apart so much. But I am super determined to figure this out.

December 6 people 12 times project

2011-02-16T23:04:00.000-05:00

(Taken on New Years Eve before our lumberjack party, this might be my fave photo from the project)

When we went home in November one of our goals was to get rid of our car (we hated it) and find something that we could still tow but that we liked a bit better. When we went on the road we got rid of our Yukon XL and we missed that thing so much. (I'll own another one someday. I loved it that much.) While we were in Wisconsin we bought a GMC Envoy and as luck would have it it ended up in the shop getting a new head while we sat in the cold and waited.

In the midst of that I had a gem waiting for me in Chicago. I had met Kristen through twitter and fell in love with her funk immediately. When we knew we'd be heading that way we began to scheme a meeting. Every time we had to wait another day for our car I would text her with tears and tell her we wouldn't yet be coming through. I was worried it wasn't going to happen. It turned into a late night meeting at O'Hare airport at Starbucks where we sat until 1 in the morning. She is like a long lost sister to me and I can't wait to be closer to her. She has such a fire for what she does and what she believes and it inspires me so freaking much. I can't wait to see her when it warms up. Our pipes froze that night in Chicago or I would've hung around just to be near her longer.

On our way to Texas AND the sun we stopped at the Lende's, near St Louis, for a night in their driveway. We had been through St Louis last year but haven't been able to explore a lot, however we found Whole Foods and got to have dinner there. I love listening to Nick and Dan share stories about the work experiences and Stephanie is such a tender loving mama and I could talk with her for hours. Definitely one of the best connections we've made this year!

Our next stop was in Oklahoma, we had hoped to just push through but it wasn't possible. We found a Passport campground and spent a whole $12 on our site for the night. It was along old route 66 which is high on our list of travel goals. The manager at the park was slightly drunk when we pulled in and highly entertaining. It was nice to have full hookups for the night so every one could shower before we saw our friends in Texas.

We arrived at Hillshade RV Park and it was a full on celebration. The Moers are our people. We fell in love with them before we even arrived here last March. We spent 10 days here then, it was a small taste and we promised to come back. All summer we knew this is where we would end up when Dan was laid off. Christine has talked me through some really rough RAD moments. But it's more than that, she gets me. I can show up at her house in my pajamas and a cup of tea and sit for hours with her. It's easy. And this time Dan and her Michael were able to get to know each other. They have become the best of friends. And then, there are the kids. They are like the cousins you only saw in the summer, you hadn't seen them in a year but you just pick up and play all day, every day. That's how it is with the Moers, for all of us.

December for us not only means Christmas, it also means birthday's for two of our girls. My beautiful redhead turned 16. I knew being away from her friends would be so hard. We decided to throw her a surprise party outside under the fairy lights. (Having a December birthday and being outside in a t-shirt for your party is a huge deal when you've lived your life in WI) She was surprised and so very sweet and happy. I know it didn't heal the fact that she missed her friends but it was a salve for sure. I can't believe that she is 16, I'm trying to slow time for the next few years and yet wanting to prepare her for life as much as I can.

Our littlest also had a birthday in December. We pulled a renegade birthday on her and didn't tell her it was her birthday until we were on the way to lunch out. She does best like this, if she knows something good is coming she will do all she can to sabotage. She is 4 now. She is no longer a toddler but a little girl. Her favorite birthday things were Tinkerbell and Olivia. She loves to jump on the trampoline at the park and we are finding it a great way to exhaust her. ;)

We spent our first Christmas away from family and it helped a lot that we had just been home. We celebrated with a simple morning in the RV, opening gifts and then hanging out with the Moers in the afternoon.

More December highlights:
~ a date afternoon to Austin with Michael and Christine, where we had lots of gluten free food, shopped for manly shoes, and laughed until it hurt,
~ Just Dance competitions where I dropped out early, clearly not my thing,
~ Sunday brunch with the Hillshadies. Every Sunday. It's high on our list of favorite things, you have to experience it, really. I can't do these moments any justice.
~ Thai food in New Braunfels before grocery shopping. Amazing Thai food. I think the best green curry I've ever had and they add extra eggplant for me,
~ Lumberjack party for New Years Eve with all of us in flannel,
~ Girls trips to Austin to meet new friends, whom I love very much and it has nothing to do with their beautiful children, well it has something to do with that but serious love floats through that house when they open the door. Must see that fambly again before I leave.

Texas winter agrees with us all. I'm not sure I want to stick around for the summer, from what I hear it's nasty. But winter yes. I could be a snowbird for sure.

6 people 12 times November

2011-02-16T16:39:00.000-05:00

(We forgot a photo in November so Purple drew us all bundled up in the cold.)

November found us in transition. Dan finished up his job in California and we began our trek to the mid-west to see family. Yes, November in the mid-west in an RV, not the smartest move we've made but we learned a lot:)

Before we left California though we had some people we had to see again and some food we had to eat. (Yes we love food and have favorites everywhere)

We started by heading to where Kevin and Angie were and had a night of homemade thai style food and beverages. I had more beverages than food, but it was a great night regardless. We love this couple and really hope to connect with them again soon (hint hint Kev)

From there we left Casa de Fruta and headed back to Sacramento. We were able to say goodbye's to a lot of the people we'd met at the KOA, and went back to our favorite restaurant, Sugar Plum. Once we left Sac we headed over the pass into Nevada and the roads were nasty. The semi's had chains on them and it was slow going for quite awhile. Turns out we would drive home in frigid temps or snow all the way.

We were able to connect again with the Lende's and got to caravan all the way to Nebraska. We were able to stop in Salt Lake City and enjoy lieges and frites from another favorite place. I love Salt Lake and the beauty of the mountains there but in November it was too cold to linger.

We parted ways from the Lende's in Nebraska and drove the rest of the way on our own. We love that family and it was exciting to watch them head towards their next chapter. (It also turns out we fit perfectly in their driveway)

Wisconsin brought so many great reunions and it was so sweet to see the kids reconnect with friends whom they hadn't seen in a long time. We were able to spend Thanksgiving with family and then began to anticipate getting out of the cold.

Because of the needs of our littlest we knew we couldn't even attempt to transition her out of the RV and then back in when it was time to hit the road. It was cold. We slept with hats on and went through so much propane trying to keep warm. Our eyes were set on warmth for sure.

It was a beautiful month. One of reunions and also the realization of the fact that we love being on the road. We love being around those we love but we also love to meet new people and see new things. And did I mention we like the sun?

October 6 people 12 times

2011-02-16T15:41:00.000-05:00

October was a month of crisis and community for us. It was by far the hardest month we've had on the road but also the month we were able to connect the most with the traveling community.

At the beginning of the month the Happy Janssen's came to see us, followed shortly by Kev and Ang of the NuRVer's fame. Towards the end of the month we were finally able to meet the Lende's who played a huge part in getting us on the road. And then right before we left California my mom came to see us.

I'm so thankful that we had so much love around us because it's when Dan had his emergency appendectomy. It was scary to be so far from home and facing a medical crisis. It taught us how to let others help us and made me super thankful that we have the internet and can connect with people so quickly.

In amidst the struggle there were very sweet days. Days spent lounging together at the ocean, or simply watching the kids play outside.

Other highlights from the month:
Santa Cruz Boardwalk
Celebrating 17 years of marriage
I started stretching my ears at WAY Body Arts
Got our slideshow and photos from Tara
I started running again & sometimes S came along with me
Afternoons spent riding bikes to the Sweet Shoppe while Dan slept
I enrolled in two online birth courses one on herbalism and the other is a doula course

6 people 12 times September

2011-02-15T15:51:00.000-05:00

September found us at a new park making new adjustments and trying to find our footing there. We were spoiled in Sacramento. Everything was a few minutes away. We were close to so much. Gluten free vegan food was just down the road.

We ended up at two different parks after leaving Sac. The first one was ant infested. I cried for two days. It was a night and day difference from where we had been. We ended up at Casa de Fruta and while there were no ants it was for sure different from where we had been. We became really determined to make the best of it. There were peacocks at the park and we were able to get a library card at the local library.

Dan started a new location and after walking in the first day he said "Let's go back to Sacramento", somehow he pushed through and found his groove. We still attempted to get date time together but we missed our Starbucks across the street.

B, continued to fall in love with hooping. In the middle of the day I loved to look out and see her spinning like there was no one around for miles. I began to really see how much she missed her friends and the familiar things. We did find her and T a youth group to attend at a local church and that helped a bit.

T, turned 13 this month. He celebrated by going to Alcatraz with his Dad. He loves those stolen times and I can see that Dan's long hours affect him. He misses his dad time. I was able to steal away for a little bit with him on his actual birthday. He wanted to go to In n Out and Target. For his birthday cake he chose chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting.

S, found a mancala game at the thrift store for $3. She loves games and she's good at them. She beat us all pretty much every time we played. When I would take the older two to youth groups she would tag along with me to Starbucks while I studied she would ~~sit quietly and not talk at all~~ entertain me.

C, missed the swimming pool at our first park and found little of interest to her outside. She began to fall in love with coloring and built lots of fun things with Legos and her big brother. We also painted her toenails in rainbow colors one day and she loved that.

After settling into our new location we were able to explore the coast a bit. We went to Monterey Bay one day and Santa Cruz. The NorCal Ren Faire was also in our backyard and we picked the hottest day of the month to get dressed up and go over.

Over all it was a month of learning. Of perseverance. It was a month of settling in and finding a whole new pattern. It was a month of getting more solid in who we are and what we want for our life on the road, and life in general.

Swirling

2011-01-26T19:13:00.000-05:00

We have all been sick a lot in the last few weeks. I think more than we were in the whole year before. Some of us have had the same thing three times.

So, instead of coming up with something creative to say I thought it would be fun to show you what I'm doing, on the internet. I tend to have several tabs open at one time. Sometimes as many as 20. So here is what's open on my mac right now.

Girl Effect. Love this.

Steps to loving yourself

Tips to light your creativity

artist date ideas

the most beautiful thing I've seen in a very long time

Ganesha love

should I work for free

Therapy Video's for Attachment

my flickr

Handmade love

huge things are happening for me here

Also, to everyone who landed here from Tara's blog and shared much love in the comments, thank you. I smiled for days.

2011 Permissions

2011-01-02T10:51:00.000-05:00

On December 1st I joined a team of mama's who are ready to go after some things in their lives. TheVisionary Mom team is amazing and these mama's push me and help me to see things deeper and more fully.

Last week Tara shared her permissions for 2011 with us all and encouraged us to do the same. Normally with this kind of thing, I read it and I'm super inspired but then tell myself to think on it and come back to it, which then never happens. This time I just wrote, without over processing or analyzing. It was as if these things had been sitting inside me waiting to flow out.

So here are my 11 permissions for 2011.

I give myself permission to..

1. Be real.
2. Trust myself.
3. Communicate deeper.
4. Clear out the distractions.
5. Seek deeper spiritually.
6. Dress funky and make sure every piece of clothing I own, I love.
7. Finish things and let myself succeed.
8. Stop believing lies and seek the truth.
9. Find my own groove in the hoop.
10. Seek out nature and calm places.
11. Let others love me.

What do you need to give yourself permission for in your life? Maybe it's a big thing, maybe it's small to others but huge to you. Maybe it's time.

my cup overfloweth (August 6 people 12 times)

2010-12-10T18:02:00.000-05:00

photo by Tara Whitney

Settle in, this is bound to get wordy, mostly because the words I want to say haven't been spoken into existence yet. There are times in my life when I feel I will burst from love and happiness, one of the very best of those times was in August on the beach, which is really my favorite place of all.

Several years ago I came across the scrapbook world and there in the middle was Tara Whitney (she's laughing but it's true). I started to follow her work in an online community and remember when she announced on the forum that her husband had bought her a Canon 10D. From the beginning her photos captivated me, they were real and raw. I have been a blog stalker and Tara junkie since then.

When we left home in May and headed towards the pacific I began to scheme. I started a life list not so long ago and one of the things on this list was to have our family in front of Tara's lens. When it looked like we would be finishing out the working season in CA, I contacted her to make this happen. I was a super determined girl at this point and even told Dan that I would need nothing for Christmas if he would give me this.

photo by Tara Whitney

We met at the beach on a beautiful Monday night. My kids in their thrift stores clothes and worn out shoes. It had to be that way, I wanted the real us to be captured. I wanted to look back at the photos later and remember everything about this time in our life. She was the girl to give us this. There were no posed, pretend moments.

photo by Tara Whitney

This photographer girl came along with us that night, but when she left there was more to it than that. We clicked with her, my kids were themselves in front of her (possibly because I had talked about her so much that they felt like she was family).

One of the really important things that I wanted captured from that night was the love I feel for Dan. We joked that night that she was giving us marriage counseling, we stole a few moments while the kids were off on their bikes and she gave us this.

photo by Tara Whitney

When she showed me the next photo on the back of her camera that night, tears flooded my eyes. It was us. The us that we are when it is just the 6 of us and no one is watching. Us, on our bikes, at the beach in the haze of sunset, us with our home in the parking lot, us in the middle of the fullness of our lives.

photo by Tara Whitney

When she left us that night, my heart was about to burst. The sand had hidden itself away in all of our clothes, the kids were soaked from the sprays of the ocean, my foot was bloody from the rocks, but my heart....full and content.

(I won't tell you that when we left we ended up stuck in a cul de sac, unhooking the car so that we could turn around, I won't tell you that we hadn't eaten dinner and it was 9 o'clock, or that we ended up eating Carls Jr because it was the only place we could get into with our 50 foot rig. Or that now when I refer to Tara I say "My friend Tara Whitney" once a stalker, always a stalker)

I will however tell you this, when she sent me the link to our photos I tweeted this "Sitting in the parking lot bumming wifi to watch our slideshow from @tarawhitney. This mama heart is weeping." and a few moments later this "I wish I could buy each one of you a session with her. There is no price tag on what she gave to me, to us."

Dan is laid off right now. Our Christmas will be small and simple. But we will have this night forever.

photo by Tara Whitney

Six people twelve times- July

2010-12-04T20:15:00.000-05:00

Looking back through my photos from July fills my heart with so much emotion. I love summer, the long days spent at the pool and then hooping under the stars. Being in California only magnified this feeling. It was the best summer I can remember.

The Pink girl and I escaped for an afternoon matinee of Eclipse. I love our moments like that together and it feels as if they are slipping away. She has turned into quite the hooper and I love to see her swirl inside the hoop in her own little way.

The Blue boy, along with the older girls and their Dad went to the stock car races one Saturday night. He loves things like that and will come home and imagine himself as a race car driver for days. He says nice things to me like "Mom, why don't you go get yourself a coffee?"

Purple is our go-with-the-flow child. She will play race cars with her brother, she will hoop for hours with the oldest and she will color and draw with the littlest. Her dreadies turned six months old in July and she proclaimed that she will have a mohawk when she decided to cut them off.

Yellow began to slowly adjust to life on the road in July. We began to sneak moments of genuine laughter and she loved the pool (until we had to get out). We introduced her to play-doh and while she loved it so did her oldest sister.

Dan worked. A lot. We were able to sneak away to see The Kids are Alright and then went to dinner. I loved these borrowed moments. One Saturday we all went to a bike show in Sac. We all drooled over the tricked out rides and when we came home we hit up Craigslist and found him a New Belgium Cruiser. We then began a little habit of just the two of us riding our bikes around the park and then across the street to Starbucks before he would go to work.

I got my new iPhone in July and that was a happy moment for sure. A few days later I had that and my laptop in my hands as I came out of the RV, in slow motion I ended up on the ground in tears. I had the worst bruises I've ever had and was sore for days. (My phone and my laptop were fine:) ) My mama heart was moved deeply in July as we met some homeless kids at Starbucks. It turned into several days of taking them treats and checking to see how they were doing. I wished I could adopt them all. On a lighter note my funniest moment of the month might have been when my son said to me "Mom, remember when I was little and you would forget to come and wipe me? When I got up I had to crawl because I couldn't feel my legs." And these are the memories I'm giving them.

As a family we had carved out little traditions and sweet fleeting moments. We went to the California State Fair, spent Sunday mornings at the farmers market, went for afternoon Jamba Juice, and even snuck in a weekend getaway to San Francisco in July. I'm not sure the month could've been more beautiful.

Gluten Free

2010-11-16T12:00:00.000-05:00

I have struggled with stomach issues for most of my life. When I was anxious as a child I would get a stomachache. I was anxious a lot. Almost every morning before school my stomach was in knots.

At some point I outgrew some of the anxiety, it let up quite a bit when I married and became a mom. Probably because of the peace I felt with realizing those dreams and settling into a role I had longed for as long as I could remember.

In the last few years there have been several factors that brought me full circle. I found myself facing the sensitive stomach issues again and they were worse than ever. It peaked last winter and I spent the holidays miserable. I didn't really say much to those around me because that then added to my anxiety about it. It was so frustrating trying to read and narrow down what I could do to improve it. In an effort to tame my insides down I tried eating bland foods like bread and pasta.

At some point I came across the realization that it could be gluten. I don't have all the symptoms of Celiac disease, but I have some of them and so figured an elimination diet was worth a shot. Starting right after the first of the year I cut out wheat.

Within a week my stomach had calmed significantly but I noticed other things in the weeks that followed. I felt better overall, the winter blahs that came every year where less significant, I was sleeping better, I had more energy.

It has not come without challenges and set backs. There are moments when I let myself have something with gluten and I regret it so quickly. I've also found that it's easier in certain areas than others. When we were in Sacramento there was a gluten free store, while just a couple hours away I did good to find one or two things in the grocery store.

Here are a couple gluten free links/recipes that I like.

I make this pasta with broccoli and mushrooms at least once a week. I like to modify recipes to feed our tastes so I copied from her site but then added the changes that I make in italics.

Penne with Broccoli & Mushrooms

1 pound brown rice penne pasta I use the brown rice fuselli from Trader Joes.
1 - 2 tablespoons of olive oil
one large clove of garlic, minced
three chopped scallions I never add these but I do add extra garlic
one head of broccoli, stalks peeled, chopped into small pieces
1 ten ounce package of baby bella mushrooms, cleaned and quartered
red pepper flakes
salt & pepper
parmesan cheese I like to use goat cheese or raw milk cheddar

     1. Cook the pasta according to the directions on the package. Be very careful not to overcook.           Mushy rice pasta is quite unappetizing. Drain then run cold water over pasta to stop it from continuing to cook.
    2. While the pasta is cooking, chop the broccoli and drop into boiling water for about 90 seconds. Drain and run cold water over it to stop it from continuing to cook. Because of our limited space and pans in the RV I boil the water for the pasta but before I cook the pasta I put the broccoli in for 90 seconds, then scoop out the broccoli and use the same boiling water for the pasta.
   3. Saute the garlic and scallions in olive oil. Adjust amount according to your taste preference. After about 1 minute, add the drained broccoli and mushrooms. Saute for about 3 minutes. Add red pepper flakes, salt & pepper to taste.
   4. Pour drained pasta into large bowl. Add some olive oil to coat. Pour broccoli-mushroom mixture over pasta and mix well. Grate parmesan cheese over the top.

These oat pancakes are a favorite. I like to make them with tempeh "bacon" and some warm applesauce. Again any notes in italics are mine.

Gluten Free Oat Cakes

4 cups whole oats, ground (preferably not the quick cook kind)
4 cups plain yogurt (I’ve also used whole raw milk) I use almond milk
4 tablespoons melted butter
4 large eggs
1 teaspoon sea salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
2-4 tablespoons local raw honey (optional) I usually don't add this and we never miss it
Olive oil or butter for cooking (optional)
I grind my oats in the blender. You can also use a food processor. You want it ground as fine as you can get it. I grind mine in our Vita-Mix then add the milk and blend it all together.

Mix the oats in the yogurt or milk and let it soak overnight (from 12-24 hours).
Add the butter, eggs, sea salt, baking soda and optional honey and mix very well.
Cook over a medium-low heat. I like to cook them in a bit of olive oil or butter for a slightly crispier edge or you can use a griddle. The temperature seems to vary depending on the pan, so experiment with yours. Oatmeal pancakes do cook slower, and are easy to burn with a gooey center, so take your time.

Christine shared this chili recipe with me last winter and as the weather cools off I'm coming back to it. I like it because it's a new twist on chili. It's for a crockpot but I just make mine on the stove and let it simmer for a little bit. It's even better the next day, but we never have leftovers. My kids call it zebra chili because of the black and white beans.

Zebra Chili aka Crockpot Black Bean Chili

2 tablespoons vegetable oil
6 garlic cloves, minced
1 cup chopped onion
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, or to taste
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 to 3 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon dried leaf oregano
1 bay leaf
1 can (28 oz.) diced tomatoes in juice I've salsa or even marinara sauce as a substitute, I have a couple kids who don't like tomato chunks
1 tablespoon soy sauce make sure you use gluten free if you are wheat sensitive
1 1/2 cups water
1 can (6 oz.) tomato paste
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
2 cans (16 ounces each) black beans, drained and rinsed
2 cans (16 ounces each) beans -- pinto, garbanzo, great northern, kidney beans, etc. -- drained and rinsed
grated cheese, sour cream, chopped parsley, chopped hard-cooked egg, green onion, or other garnishes
Avocado is my favorite chili topping

    1. Heat the oil in a skillet and saute the onions, garlic and red pepper flakes.
    2. Cook 1 minute, then add chili powder and cumin and cook 2 minutes, stirring.
    3. Add this mixture to the slow cooker/Crock Pot along with all remaining ingredients except canned beans and garnishes.
    4. Stir well and cook on low all day. I usually start this about 2 hours before I want to serve it and by then it's had time to simmer on low heat for long enough.
    5. Stir in canned beans an hour or so before serving. Serve with garnishes.

If you try these let me know how you like them. If you have a gluten free recipe that you'd like to share please link here.

the last few weeks

2010-11-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

...have been interesting and stretching for us. As the dust settles I am realizing so much and being reminded that these are the times that we grow, that we figure out who we are and the moments that push us to be better.

A few weeks ago Dan woke up with an upset stomach, which turned to seizing pain, that landed us at the hospital and him in surgery. It was scary and left us feeling vulnerable and longing for familiar things.

We were uncertain of if Dan would keep his job, he was still on temp status. We were 15 days away from having insurance. We were 2000 miles from our support system.

Having him off of work for more than a week cut into our savings for the winter. When he went back to work they told him he'd be busy until the end of November. He got laid off two weeks ago. Ha.

So it's been a stretching season. There has been much good amidst the struggle. There always is. Sometimes it just pushes you to look harder.

Things I Love Today

2010-10-01T02:04:00.000-04:00

I have wanted to do a weekly post sharing different things that inspire or challenge me, things that make my days a little brighter, or things I've purchased and want to share with you. I'm a random blogger for sure so I'm making a list to share and who knows when the next one will come.

I have been using Everyday Minerals for a few months and I love it. I had no idea make-up could make me so happy. I have never used anything but pencil eyeliner but now I will use nothing but mineral eyeshadow and a tiny little brush. Their brushes are amazing bamboo and so soft.

I started running again. So this post is still true but I missed the road beneath my feet. I'm using the C25K app and I love it. I've used C25K before but I had to carry a stopwatch, this is a bit more convenient. I can listen to my favorite music and it tells me when to run/walk.

Not sure I've mentioned before that I'm gluten free. It's another post for another day but I have found a couple things that have made it easier. I love Silly Yak Bakery, and if I was closer I would have them ship me some quinoa poppyseed bread. I'm using Bob's Red Mill gluten free flour. I also like Betty Crocker's Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookies, when I like a little treat. I mix up the whole package but refrigerate the dough so I can make one at a time.

And now and Etsy love. One of my first purchases from Poor Pitiful Pearl was a dress that I still wear all the time. I love everything I've gotten from Shauna, I love that everything is upcycled AND funky. She is super sweet too and we are hoping to meet when we go to Texas.

Dan and I are both reading this Radical book right now. (It's only 5 bucks in Kindle) Feeling challenged in our faith for sure.

And the last thing to share that I want to share today, is that our little gypsy circus was blessed to be photographed by Tara Whitney. And you can see a sneak peak.

Looks like it's time to dream again

2010-09-16T02:30:00.000-04:00

Dan and I have had a lot of discussions lately about how we got here (on the road) and where we go from here.

In a way we are in a "let down" phase right now. We worked so long and so hard to get on the road, and then there was this moment. A moment when we realized that we had planned and prayed for this moment, but not the next one.

Don't get me wrong. We are trying to be content. We don't want to run from thing to thing trying to fill us up. We love life on the road, and while there are things we would like to change or do different, we aren't ready to give this up.

It's just that we didn't look any further than this. All of our dreams were short term.

We talked and began digging around for what else there was. If God could get us here... what's next? Where else could He take us.

In the midst of this season of enjoying where we are and casting a glance towards where we feel like we're supposed to go next, I stumbled upon an old dream that I had. One that has been shoved to the furthest corner of my mind because it seemed so impossible.

It came up through a series of strange events and I love it when that happens. Love when the silly becomes the sane, the sensible most perfect thing. I then mentioned it to Dan and it's taken on a life of it's own really quickly.

I love it when that happens. I love it when it's time to dream again.

Hoop Therapy

2010-09-14T23:54:00.000-04:00

I used to be a runner. I loved the road and my headphones and the miles underneath my feet. It was my therapy.

In the last couple years so very many things have changed in our home. We sold our house, moved three times, adopted a child with special needs, and faced medical crisis as a family. So much changed that the running fell by the side of the road. No pun intended.

We have been "on the road" for 4 months now. Shortly after we got to California the kids and I went to buy the supplies to make our own hula hoops. As a crafty girl, I think I was more excited about the making than the actual hooping. We spent a good afternoon assembling and taping. My 12 year old son wasn't sure he wanted much to do with it, but he went ahead and taped his with the rest of us girls. (Guess who is a great hooper now?)

After all of the transitions we had just been through to get here, it was nice to just hang out and do something fun together. We started watching youtube videos and then I signed up at Hoopcity.ca for their beginner class. It seemed like a fun way to get some exercise and to spend time together as a family. Even our three year old has her own hoop and can join in.

It has become a great way to connect with others in the campgrounds too. We've been able to make hoops and give them away. And a few weeks ago riding my bike around the park I saw hoops next to a tent. I became determined to hunt down the owner and we connected later that day at the pool. It turns out she owns her own business near San Francisco and her son was the same age as mine. We spent sometime on a Monday morning hooping together. It's a great way to make friends.

But mentally it's turned into even more. It's become a new therapy. At the end of a long day, I love to put on my headphones, turn the music up loud and hoop away. Sometimes the kids join me, sometimes I wait until they are all tucked into bed.

One of the really great things about hooping is that you can do it anywhere. We even took our hoops went to Hippie Hill in San Francisco. I could've hooped for hours to the sound of the drum circle. I have missed the feel of the road underneath my feet and I won't give up the running forever. But in this season, I can slip out the door to work it out for a bit.

I love the challenge of learning a new trick, I love pushing my body to do something new. I love how good it feels to move. And yes, I love the pretty colors of my hoops.

Sacramento

2010-08-29T01:31:00.000-04:00

It was the first place we stayed on this crazy journey. I had no idea I would love her so. We fell in love with the people, the bike culture, the vegans and the homeless.

We had planned to just stop at the KOA in West Sac for a few nights and then find a more permanent home for the next 3 months. Needless to say we stayed until it was time to move on, and even then we did so with tears in our eyes.

Sacramento as a whole made the transition to being on the road so much easier. Our days were filled with hours by the pool, nights hula hooping, dinners at places where they soon knew us when we walked in.

Looking back I wonder if it spoiled us. If it made the transition too easy. But I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be a place to land softly.

1. Site #33 at West Sac KOA

2. farmer's market veggies for dinner

3. pool at the KOA

4. Sidewalk quotes

5. Dan's new cruiser

6. Chipotle dinner's

7. Evening photography shoots with my kids

8. California State Fair

9. Pretty ukelele's also at the State Fair

10. The "Yellow Bridge"

11. Night rides with my love on our bikes

12. Hula Hoop and scooter races

13. Our gypsy circus bikes and hoops

14. Morning walks with her Dad to see the ducks and the boats.

15. Jamba Juice

16. Lego creations

17. Learning new hoop tricks.

18. Best Salad I've ever had

19. Our homeless kids

20. Art at Sugar Plum Vegan Cafe

21. Starbuck's rides alone

22. Skateboard loves

23. Grilled cheese from In n Out

24. More hooping

25. A Bliss from Temple Coffee

26. Marie's Donuts

27. Missing my wash machine

Intentional Moments

2010-08-18T01:51:00.000-04:00

I read this post by Tara last week and it came at a time when parenting was weighing heavy on me.

As we parent C I feel like so much energy and love is devoted into her and her needs that I worry about the "other" kids and I feel so inadequate to parent them sometimes because there isn't enough of me.

Sometimes it seems as if there is no room for them to be kids. My standard for them is higher, there is less room for them to be "normal" because I'm used up and C needs "more" from me. I wish there was more of me, but there isn't.

Last week after she had just finished a screaming rage, T came and asked for something. I said "no" and I was short about it, he in turn gave me an attitude. I looked at him and said "I can't do this with you right now." He walked away and my heart broke as it unfolded. I chased him down and apologized but I wonder if these are the moments they will carry.

The moments of me holding her while she screams, the moments of Dan and I at court, of getting up early to drive her to visits, then driving home while she sobbed because she was tired and hungry. The moments of me taking her to doctor appointments of all shapes and sizes trying to get a diagnosis of why she was screaming so much. Moments of being in public while she screams and kicks, moments of sitting in their home being interviewed about what it's like to live here, and how it would be to adopt her.

I want for them to have beautiful moments and memories. I want them to want to have kids, (either through birth or adoption.) I want for them to want to help out and make a difference in their own world someday. I don't want them to be bitter about it. I don't want them to feel that they lost out on a childhood.

I want to know that they will be better for it. That it will make them strong and caring adults. I see the compassion that they have for her and for each other and the world because of it all. I just wonder if it will be enough and if they will always carry that.

I'm trying to make a really conscience effort to let them have "normal" moments. One of the benefits of Dan's schedule right now is that he is home when C naps. So the big kids and I try to get out for a bit while she sleeps. I'm just not sure it's enough. It feels as if there is a scale and I'm trying to balance it all out. To give them intentional moments to at least even it out a bit.

I want all four of them to know that they are loved. That there is room for each of them to be just who they are in every moment.

If only my super powers were a bit more strong.

In the mean time I will be doing my best to not obsess and to let it be. To care and to try but not get sucked in. To focus on the light sweet moments. Because if that's what I'm focusing on, chances are their gazes will have to land in that direction too.

My Life Inspired

2010-07-19T16:35:00.000-04:00

thrifted chucks

My Love's new bike

Orange Bug

My Love

Orange Tree downtown Sacramento

My new Birk's

Pool time

Chocolate straws from Nana

Boy in my bed

As a Mama on the road, I am finding that my sweet little iPhone is becoming the main camera. It is always right there with me. There's no extra bag to bring and no decision of which lens to bring.

My friend Sara started sending me some of her daily iPhone images last week and then I started sending some of mine. Quick, not over thought or planned out images. Simple.

It has now turned into a twice a day thing that we do. It makes me happy to know that twice a day I get a peek into her life AND I am still capturing mine.

Sara loves her flickr:) and started a group there. We'd love to have you join us in this. I'll be sharing some of my favorites here also.

Six people 12 times~June

2010-07-13T01:34:00.000-04:00

It is like they are growing and changing before my eyes. I'm not sure if it's the sunshine or the water or just summer but it's out of control. It makes me feel like the moments are slipping through my fingers.

The tallest has literally transformed since we left home. I gave her a buzz cut. She is fully in love with her thrift store clothes. Adding so much color and fun to everything she wears. I look at her and I don't know how the red-head 10 pound baby has turned into this. She is drawing and reading non-stop. She sits at the picnic table and paints her nails over and over. Cute designs, rainbow colors. She is so much healthier than she was a year ago. I don't lie in bed at night and worry about her like I did then. She is healthy and on the wings of so much.

Mr T rides to the end of the driveway whenever his dad goes to work. He sits at the picnic table for hours and builds with legos. Whatever movie he has just seen or anything that is new to him becomes a lego creation. The Golden Gate Bridge, Avatar, RV's, all recently recreated with those little blocks. He is becoming teenage like. I watch him torn between wanting to stay a boy and being pulled into the future. He doesn't want to turn 13 he says. He will miss being a kid. He still takes that frog with him most places. But I see it starting to be a struggle for him.

My dreadie girl is content to sit in the midst of it all. She plays legos with T, she paints nails with her big sister, she plays dollies with little Yellow. She is so content. She loves us all together. Loves to go to the store with whichever parent is going. She will not be far behind the other two in the hormones. I can tell. She is so eager to be like them. My littlest of the bigs. She lets me sing silly songs to her. She hates having me work on her dreads and it's turning into one big dreadlock.

Yellow loves to swim at the end of the day with all of us. When we are inside she plays with her dollhouse or crayons. She follows me and notices if I leave the room. She carries her giraffe most places and worries about it when we leave it at home. She loves to be outside and melts when we have to come in. She has started wanting to help me with things like folding laundry and drying dishes. She has fallen in love with stickers. And I keep a stash for when we need them.

The Mr and I grab moments together when we can. Usually it's a simple Starbuck's stop. His job is crazy and takes so much out of him. We are trying to make the most of the little moments. We found a really good coffee shop in town and we all head there on the weekends. He got his second tattoo when we went to San Francisco. It fits him well. He is my steady. The thing I can count on. To make me laugh and to speak the truth.

I'm loving it here. It suits me well. My body feels healthier than it has in a long time. I'm eating raw foods as much as I can. I'm hula hooping with the kids as much as the heat allows. I'm finding the daily rhythms so sweet and pure. Feeling like I belong here. Thankful for music in the RV and my nightly cruise around the campground on my pink bike. Soaking it all in, to carry with me wherever we go.

Six people 12 times~May

2010-07-13T01:06:00.000-04:00

May seems light years in the past. I forgot all about the project and then just the other day my friend Jefra sent me the images that she took of us when we stopped in Salt Lake on our way out here. Yippee Jefra to the rescue.

May was the month of big leaps.
We had our goodbye party.
We moved out of our house and into our home.
We drove 1999 miles to get to here.
I read two books on the way Get Lucky and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The RV park where we are let me set up my sewing machine in the rec. room
Discovered Del Taco fish tacos
Tried a grilled cheese at In N Out with grilled onions.
Moved around the RV park to find the ideal spot.
Found the good thrift stores.
Listened to new music by an old favorite
Bought a tv for the RV

Adjusted to the time difference

Drank a lot of coffee. (I only drink decaf so it's fine right?)

Read and begged for as much RAD support as we could get.

RAD on the road

2010-06-23T01:17:00.000-04:00

I've had some inquiries about how life is on the road with a RADish. I'm also feeling the need to document our whole journey, not just the lovely, calm moments.

When we prepared to leave the Midwest and move into the RV we tried really hard to prepare Yellow for what lie ahead. It happened so fast and there was so much to do. We talked to her about what was happening, but really how do you explain this, how do you prepare a child who has been through trauma for leaving her home and belongings?

We brought her favorite things. The things that bring comfort. We believed that simply having us as a family together would help. That we would be her constant. I know now that is hilarious.

It has been more difficult than I could've expected. I have been peed on, spit on, bit, pinched and kicked. It is raw and tender here. She is pushing to see if we will go "home", she is pushing to see if we will leave her.

My mind races to keep one step ahead of her, I can't imagine how hard her little brain is working. I have to think backwards and upside down. Everything can become a battle. I'm having to pick and choose. She wants to be in "trouble" she wants consequences.

The other day I told her it was time to go to the pool, she said "Nope, no me take a nap, no me go pool" She wants to miss out on the good stuff. She believes she deserves nothing. She is full of shame.

Don't get me wrong, there are good days. We went to San Francisco last weekend, I wore her on my back all day. She did not try to hit or kick me once. It was a wonderful beautiful day. But we paid for it when we got home.

She doesn't want to have wonderful days. Every day I tell her "We are having a great day today" regardless of how crappy it's been. I'm trying to convince us both.

We've discovered that focusing on the positive does help, but there's a small dotted line. If there is too much positive, she melts.

There are so many people who think she should be fine. That she has been with us for so long. That we got her when she was so small. And you know what? I would love to believe that, I would love if that were true. I have tried to make it be true.

The truth is, we have no idea what she was through before she came to us. We have a really good idea of what her in utero experience was like and it ain't pretty. She was malnourished when we got her. And for the first 16 months of her life, she could barely see a sliver of what was happening in front of her, due to severe ptosis in both eyes. Then you add the trauma of her visits. Ughh.

Today we received a letter from our Attachment Therapist whom we worked with in Wisconsin. She sent us a letter that covers Yellow's diagnosis and also behaviors that she may exhibit, so that if someone is "concerned" or having a difficult time understanding our situation, we could then share this with them.

It made me cry. I know she has RAD with anxiety and PTSD, but to read it, to see it there in black and white. It smacked me hard.

No one wants her to be more "fine" than me. But she needs someone to be inside her reality. To acknowledge that this is real and that she is hurting.

And I am in the trenches...digging my way in. If you want to help I found a list that seemed to be right on.

Support Ideas for RAD mom's {Found here Help One Child}

1. Realize this is a very painful situation. If you are on the Mom's side, you are

on the child's side. If you take the child's side against the Mom, they both lose.

2. Listen with open ears and hearts. Not judging, not being critical. Condemning,

criticizing or blaming Dose Not Help to Lift the burden, don't load it down.

3. Make short, loving phone calls (occasionally) to listen and encourage, not to

advise, not to gather information or "check on them"- Tell her she can chat

whenever she needs an ear.

4. Take her to lunch or dinner.

5. Rent a funny movie and share it.

6. Send her flowers, chocolate or cards with love and a smile in it.

7. Bring her some dinner or baked goods,

8. Hugs are always heading. Moms need 12 a day minimum.

9. Do Not give unasked for advice.

10. Take all information as confidential.

11. Pray for them.

12. It Is very helpful to educate yourself about Attachment Disorder.

13. Run errands to help llfi the load,

14. Take the kids somewhere for the afternoon. Be sure she knows it's because

she deserves a break and not because she can't handle it,

15. Give her a gift certificate for a massage, hair salon, hot springs

16. Give her Mozart's music or some other calming or uplifting tunes.

17. Give her a stuffed animal filled with love for her inner child

18. Give her one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. ******

19. Scratch her back, pat her shoulders

20. Buy her bubble bath and watch the kids for an hour or so white she soaks to

music.

21. Remind her of her special traits and talents.

22. Tell the child often, in front of her, how lucky they are to have a mom like

this.

23. Absolutely, never show up without calling to check for an appropriate time to

visit.

24. Never tell her to "Just love the child more". If you already have, beg

forgiveness for not understanding.

**** Do not say. 'Let me know if I can help" Instead, do one or more of the above

******I'd prefer a celebrity gossip magazine to Chicken Soup for the Soul, but you get the idea.

That's how things are with a child who has trauma, in an RV on the road. In case you were wondering. :)

three weeks in

2010-06-10T20:03:00.000-04:00

We are fully in it. Fully here. Fully in a schedule and a routine. One day slips into another. It seems like we have been here forever and yet there are moments when it seems like we are still in the midwest. I forget that we traveled two thousand miles. I forget that I can't go see a movie with a friend or walk to the mailbox.

The last three weeks have included

1. hours at the pool

2. walking around Old Sac

3. discovering our new favorite thai food place (after also finding the worst thai we ever had)

4. fresh fruit and veggies

5. making our own hula hoops

6. county fair

7. in-n-out grilled cheese sandwiches

8. late night TV shows for me

9. lack of sleep for Dan

10. bike races around the park

11. bike rides to Starbuck's

12. more purging and sorting of all that we own

13. a snail named Gary

14. a book club

15. the kids talking about the staff here like they are old friends

16. RAD research and new parenting attempts

I won't lie though. The schedule feels right, the place feels right, the RV feels more like home than our last house. But I long for more connection on the road. 

There's small talk with the locals, chats in the laundry room with people from Egypt, but I'd really love a  late night movie with a friend. I'd love to walk into the Starbuck's in Madison and have them know who I am, have them ask how things are, while they make my drink without even asking what I wanted because they knew what my "usual" was. 

I can see the huge benefits in social networking in this situation. I love keeping up with friends on Facebook and email. It's just not quite the same today. Might be time to find something we can connect over.

Yellow's behaviors provide a bit of a challenge in getting out. She loves routine, it has been enough for her to get here. To say goodbye to home and all things "normal" in that world. She is mad that we have disrupted her life. We have seen so many new tricks, so many new behaviors for us. She is pulling out all the stops. Makes it tough to socialize much:)

And even then, I looked at Dan this morning, with his worn out eyes and I said "I know you're tired, I know Yellow's raging is bad, but even in all of that, I'm happy" 

Amidst the longing for friends, the screaming three year old, and the long hours for my love, it feels right. It feels like we are right where we are supposed to be.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you~Hafiz

at last the journey begins

2010-05-27T11:00:00.000-04:00

We left WI four days later than we were supposed to. Our car ended up needing some work and it had to be done before we could leave. That caused for a really fast trip to CA. We said we wouldn't do that again after we made the trip to TX in 2.5 days. But we did it, again.

The kids were amazing, they played games, made puppets, and slept alot. When we would pull into a rest area or a gas station I would pick a random point within view and say "RUN as fast as you can to the______" It gave me 2 minutes of quiet and it gave their legs some much needed movement.

It reminded me of when I was a kid, sitting in the back of the station wagon, no air conditioning, driving through the Badlands and playing the alphabet sign game. It's all in how you see it, everything can be made into a game.

We also listened to a lot of music on the way. I am a music freak, we have new tunes rolling all of the time. Our favorites on this trip were country, finding myself drawn back to what I grew up on. We soaked in the lyrics of Tim McGraw, Miranda Lambert, and of course a little Willie Nelson. It was so good to be on the road.

The Goodbye's...

2010-05-26T18:31:00.000-04:00

We lived there all of our lives. We thought it was tough when we moved 45 minutes from our hometown. It was nothing.

It seemed to start the minute we announced we were leaving, in a way I'm glad we had such a short time to say all there was to say. I couldn't have done it for months.

We had a Happy Trails party at our house to celebrate not only our travels, but also Yellow's adoption and to show off all we did in the RV to make it home. It was a beautiful windy day. Purple had to say goodbye to one of her bestest friends and that was the point of no return for me, she sobbed into my shoulder and all I could wonder was if it was the right thing. I knew that it was, but watching her cry over this was hard. She was the one to take it hardest, she loves family and routine and all things the same.

Then Pink had a sleepover with all her friends from church, and one of her friends is moving too. You should have seen them cling to each other as we left that day. Broken heart for Mama.

My great co-workers threw us another bash just a few days before we left. I will miss them so, and I'm really hoping that they come visit us along the way.

We saved the really tough things for last. Our sweet kitty went to stay at my parents and then to her next forever home. The boy who has asked for a dog his whole life was heartbroken to say goodbye to his sweet Potluck. To make it worse on all of us, it was also the day we said goodbye to my parents.

I never went to college. I never had my own apartment. When the the two oldest kids were small we lived next door to my parents. We are close. And I am thankful that it was difficult to say goodbye. It means that we are all crazy about each other, that even when we don't agree, we can still lean in and agree to disagree. Has it been perfect? No, but are we all better for it. Yes. I think this season will for sure make us more thankful.

Simplicity

2010-05-15T16:45:00.000-04:00

One of the big questions we got as we were preparing for the road was "What about all of your stuff?"

Here's the deal on our "stuff" for those who are curious.

We are a family of 6, by american standards that is a big family. If each of us has 100 things, that's 600 items to pick up, clean around, organize and maintain. I'll let you in on a little secret... I don't like doing any of those things.

I don't want it to sound like I don't enjoy my family's messes..but I don't.

I am not a naturally born organized person. I don't get organization by labeling and sorting. I have read books and tried Flylady (which was one of the things that almost helped me) I like to wait until someone is coming over and then scurry around like crazy to get everything done. I work best under pressure. I like to see big results, if it's a huge mess then it will look amazing when I've cleaned it up.

When we decided to go on the road we knew it would be major work to get rid of most everything we owned. We had moved a year ago and sorted some things then, but there was still a lot of purging that needed to be done. We had 5 weeks to do it.

I gave each of the kids a tote and told them whatever they could fit inside they could take. This was just toys and personal items, not clothes or games. It.was.hard. Some of them had an easier time than others. Some of them like stuff more than others. I gave so many pep talks I should get an award. It told them things like "All of this will be dust someday" and "Think of all the things we are going to see and do" and you know what? They did it.

It is just stuff. It isn't who you are, it isn't a memory, you carry those with you. It is stuff.

We stored a small amount of really special things at my parents. Things like baby items and sentimental items. The night before we left Dan and I were sorting papers...lots of papers, and we were so ready to go, we were ruthless. We had all the letters we had written each other when we were dating, we had almost all of the papers our oldest brought home from kindergarten. It is almost all gone. Those things are not who we are. They were sitting in a basement getting stinky and full of bugs. Our love story is not in the papers, it's in us. It's in our memories and the stories we tell.

There will very likely come a day when I cry over something that is gone, but deep down it feels so freeing. It felt so amazing to get into the RV and know that the things that I love are right here with me. And they can't be contained on a piece of paper.

If anything I feel more motivated to take more photographs, to be more present in the moments and to tell more stories to the kids. The time I used to spend trying to keep up with my stuff I can now spend on the things that last forever.

Six people 12 times April

2010-05-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

Normally with our monthly photo I post all about each person and what's happening in that month. April was a blur, a new job, a new name, a new direction. It feels so right and meant to be.

we are doing this

2010-04-21T18:35:00.000-04:00

Some of you have wandered upon my blog from Christine, Deb or Sara . And I am thankful that each of them has shared a bit about us and our crazy beautiful life.

Here is our little dream story.

I first read about Lisa Welchel and her family traveling in an RV for a year when my kids were small, probably like 6 years ago. I thought "Wow that is nice if you are a celebrity but there is no way we could afford that." We also met a family at church who had left California and traveled the entire US for one year. He had just retired from Los Angeles Fire Department I believe. Again it was so inspiring but it didn't even cross my mind that we could do it.

Fast forward to three years ago. We started talking about it again... and it came at a very good time in our lives. Our home was for sale and we had planned to leave the small town where we had lived most of our lives. We set our eyes on the goal of full time RV living, we would take the little bit from our house sale and travel .... but there were other plans on the horizon for us.

We were foster parenting at the time, and while there were hints of this little person being available for adoption we knew that we couldn't do a thing until we were sure of her future.

It took 3 years. We logged hours in the courtroom, her case ended up going all the way to the State Supreme Court. Can you say patience?

But here we are. The goal has remained the same. There have been times it seemed impossible and so far out of reach, but it had been steeping the whole time. Last year after Dan's cancer it became first and foremost in our minds. Life is really too short and there are no guarantees.

We bought our RV the week of Thanksgiving. Dan drove it home in the cold and arrived the night before Thanksgiving. It felt like home from the moment we stepped in the door.

All winter we had been planning our first trip to the Moers. We began painting when it was 40 degrees outside and ran the heat inside at night so the paint would dry. We strategized bedrooms and sleeping spaces. We made the 6 hour round trip to IKEA for our sofa bed. We spent hours and hours at Home Depot. All because it felt so very important to make it our home.

When we left Texas and people would ask " Did you have fun" we would look at each other and smile. The trip it's self was simply a learning experience, fully and completely. Dan spent so much time working on the RV while we were there he barely sat for one day. Yellow decided that she would throw RAD fits at every opportunity. The floor that we bought and hauled all the way to Texas was too thick. I think the point of no return was the night that it began to rain and my leather chair was outside. As Dan and Matt shoved it back into the RV we heard a huge ripping sound. I thought Dan was going to sit down and cry. We laid in bed that week and talked about selling it. Seriously it was no vacation. But we learned a lot. We learned what it was like to be in the RV and have the kids crawl into bed and still be spewing information from the day. We learned that we loved to be together. We learned that we loved meeting new people, the locals. We learned that things don't always go the way you plan and that you have a choice everyday.

On the way home we ended up spending several hours in a Freightliner shop. After many failed attempt at diagnosing the problem (and quite a bit of money) the mechanic said "Well we can change the oil, I don't think that's what it is, but we can try." Um, let's go for it as opposed to the $2000 part that he was suggesting. Oil changed... the mechanic says "I've only seen this fix the problem 5% of the time."
Let's just say we drove for 2 more days and not a thing went wrong.

Our God lives in the 5%.

The week we got home we finalized our adoption and I connected with Stephanie and her family who are full-timing in their travel trailer. She rocked us some great information and Dan applied to the company that her husband works for. BAM! Five days later Dan was offered a job that requires TRAVEL!

We waited all this time. And the wait has been exactly what it was supposed to be.

We are in the process of selling and donating pretty much everything we own. We have to be in California the middle of May. We are taking 4 kids across the country, one of whom will for sure scream at the top of her lungs within 24 hours of departure (and probably every day for quite awhile after). We are making scary choices, which include leaving the safety net of family and friends, going without health insurance for 6 months, (did I mention we have two people with health concerns?) But the way my heart beats when I think about all the great things that lie ahead, I can't even tell you how that feels.

We are going to live.in.an.RV.

Guess what.... I love living in the 5%. So what about you? What dreams have lingered but never come to fruition? Sometimes the things that seem really big and impossible just require a little tuning.

Gotcha Day

2010-04-15T00:25:00.000-04:00

There really are so few words to describe how it felt. The day was simply beautiful, inside and outside the courtroom. The judge was so kind and encouraging. My parents came to celebrate with us. And it really felt surreal, like a dream. She is my daughter. I am her Mom. We are her family. We knew it all along, although there were times it seemed so distant and impossible. It feels different now, I didn't think it could but it does. It feels complete.

Dreads

2010-04-14T00:23:00.000-04:00

I had my first set of dreads from September 2007 until November 2008. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time. It felt right for me at the time. It was a spiritual journey for me for sure. We were in a season of simplifying and also we were preparing for the long road of TPR(termination of parental rights) with Yellow. I did face some negative feedback about my dreads at that time and I let it bother me way too much. When I cut them it was right after the TPR went through and was definitely symbolic. It felt like a fresh start and little did we know that things would drag on as they did.

Purple decided she wanted dreads for her 10th birthday. She let her hair grow for quite awhile. When she decides she wants to do something she sticks to it. That girl has discipline. We were going to dread our hair together but I got impatient and cut mine. She however followed through and we spent 4 days dreading her hair. Her hair is crazy intense. And she rocks the dreads.

I had planned to grow mine until the end of this year and then dread them, so that they would be longer. But I was afraid that I would have a moment of weakness and cut my hair. So two days before we left for Texas I had my hair bleached to platinum blonde with the intent to have Dan do my dreads in Texas.

Dan was crazy swamped with RV renovations and so I decided to do it myself. It really felt like a strong personal thing for me this time around, like I was ready to fully embrace them and myself.

It took me about 6 hours total to get them done. I finished them on Dan's birthday, March 22.

I can't even really explain to you how different it feels this time. I love them every single day. I know there will be rough days ahead but I love them. They feel like me. I love them blonde and short and wild and I rarely wear a bandanna to contain them. I'm flying the freak flag baby.

6 people 12 times project March

2010-04-09T12:19:00.000-04:00

We took our March photo in front of the Gateway Arch. We were on our way home from Texas and decided to make a last minute stop on our way through. The two oldest kids and I had just read some of the Percy Jackson books. There is one scene where Percy and his friends were at the arch so they were excited to check it out. We had planned to take the tram to the top and we got there before 10 am but they were sold out. So we had to settle for a view from the ground.

March was a whirlwind month. We started out busting our rears getting ready for Texas. It was chilly here all the way up until we left so we were running the heat at night to keep the RV pipes from freezing and to help the fresh paint dry.

Dan was very much looking forward to our trip and hoping to relax a bit in Texas. It didn't really happen but it was an educational trip we decided. And he learned alot about the RV and life on the road. He also celebrated his 38th birthday while we were in Texas.

Two days before we left I went to get my hair colored (after attempting to do it myself) and I spent a long afternoon sitting in the chair and watching my hair get lighter. A couple hours into it I checked my phone and there was a text message from my mom that said to call our attorney. I then checked my email and sure enough there was a message from our social worker proclaiming that the State Supreme Court had upheld the verdict and we could go ahead and finalize our adoption. We had waited all this time and then bam here we were here. As the stylist came back to check my color I was bawling. She thought the color was making my eyes burn:) So, 3 years to the day that she came into our lives, we filed our paperwork for adoption.

B spent much of our time in Texas reading Percy Jackson books and soaking in the conversation of the grown-ups around her. She was such a trooper with the little girls and pitched in to help me with C too. Christine also encouraged B's love of art and she got to paint and create as well. She is such a calm gentle spirit and a sweet presence wherever we go.

T was a blur in Texas. He would get dressed eat breakfast and disappear for the morning to find Rocky and Andrew. Then he would come back for lunch (he forgot to eat one day) and take off again. When he rolled into the RV at the end of the day he was exhausted and full of updates from his experiences that day. He had such a great time with those boys and even learned how to fish and catch minnows.

S was as much of a blur as her brother. She jumped on the trampoline and rode bikes down the hill. Marah and Mackenzie taught her to finger knit and she's been cranking out scarves like crazy. She also enjoyed treks to the cemetery. Of course her dreads were flying like crazy behind her everywhere she went.

C had been talking about going in the RV for weeks, when it came down to it there was a bigger adjustment than I was prepared for. We had to keep her pretty close to us through the whole trip as she has a really hard time with boundaries and needless to say, she didn't always enjoy my company. After talking with our attachment therapist this week she reminded me that while C is three, her emotional level is closer to 9-10 months, which reaffirms that you wouldn't let a child that age loose without being right there. She did adjust well by the end of the trip and now even asks if she can go sleep in the RV.

Texas part 2

2010-04-03T22:51:00.000-04:00

We really thought the trip was about the view, the drive, the scenery. I had this romantic notion that we would stop along the way at random tourist sights, that I would take pictures of every parking lot and tree. I had visions of Instax photos of colorful buildings and deserted homes.

Instead I learned something more. Something I wouldn't have thought I'd have learned and that you couldn't have told me would be true. I had to figure it out for myself.

It was about the people. I hadn't met Christine before, I hadn't seen Sara in six months. I didn't know anyone else in the park. I had no idea how my kids would interact with all the other kids. And yet in moments it felt like home, because of each of them and those with me.

It was about Richard and his winemaking, Dr Bob and his blue guest house.

It was about reconnecting on the dock with my love over a cup of coffee and some oats.

And I can't even tell you the amount of time these kids talked to me on the trip. They would come in at the end of the day and spill out all of the details from every. single. thing. they did. I felt closer to them in the RV and the open road than I do here. We connect deeper.

Thank you for teaching me this Texas. I look forward to everything else you need me to know.

Texas part 1

2010-03-19T14:11:00.000-04:00

Just a few of the images from our trip so far. We have been having a great time and Dan has been getting alot done. I think he's about ready to crash for a bit before we go home. The RV floor is now done and the loveseat is out of the RV. We also now have a great little "bar" instead of a table. It's really starting to feel like ours now.

The girls played checkers on the way. My Mom always makes them up a fun travel bag and this set was inside, along with crayons, notebooks and Happy Meal toys.

This is what was waiting for us in Gonzales. It felt so great to finally meet Christine and her family and to see the Janssen's again.

It encourages me so much to be around people who care about good foods and love their green smoothies.

Little Lucy Janssen tends to steal everyone's heart. She has the best toothy grin.

Monday night was Taco night. We all threw something on the table and let the troops go crazy. Between us there are 11 kids. What's funny is that you don't really see the kids except to eat and sleep. They take off to play as soon as they are rested and fed.

Christine, Sara and I were able to escape for a night in Austin. We went out for Thai food, stayed in a hotel, and then spent the next day wandering around Austin and drinking Starbucks.

This is a fun wall outside of the Lululemon store in Austin. You can't help but get happy just looking at it.

The Free People store here was beautiful. I've never been to their store before but I love their catalog and their style.

This girl has been reading and drawing like crazy, when she's not pushing Bella and Presh around the campground. Those girls love to pretend that B is their Mom and she was even carrying them yesterday.

Yesterday we got to meet Mike Hedge and he showed the kids (and adults) how to do jump shots. Such a fun experience to meet new people who do what they love.

Yesterday afternoon I was able to wander over to Christine's backyard and see the longhorns. Their horns are huge, this one was just a babe, with small horns but some of them are massive. I told Christine my neck would hurt from holding those horns up.

The RV park here is really really a spirited place. So far we've met Dr Bob who has a guest house with beautiful artifacts AND a composting toilet. We met Richard who brings eggs and raw milk but best of all homemade wine. And then last night a family of 13 rolled in to spend a couple nights. Such bliss.

Texas bound

2010-03-13T16:58:00.000-05:00

We are on our way south. Well, actually we are now south of where we started. We are going to see the Happy Janssen's and spend two weeks in Christine's park. I can't even tell you the excitement in here. I love these girls.

We bought our RV last November. We had been talking about this for years. The Janssen's and others who live the RV lifestyle full time inspire us. Dan being sick last year made us realize that life is too short to put off what you want to do. Matt and Sara visited last fall and stirred up the desire again for us. Two months after they left Dan flew to Utah and drove our 2002 Tiffin Phaeton home.

We started our renovations in January. The listed included paint, new cabinet hardware, bunk beds, more paint, new blinds & curtains, new sofa bed, and my favorite part...new tile backsplash. Each of the colors represents one of us.

But I do also love the fixtures with a fresh coat of paint and the curtains that are from a thrifted bedspread.

I'm hoping the time goes slow in Texas and that we can refresh and recharge a bit. I'm hoping for quiet mornings in the Word, a bit of coffee, some yoga, strong conversation and many photographs.

RX

2010-03-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

We are knee deep in attachment therapy.

I've never really talked about it here before, but it's time. I've been the lone ranger in this journey for too long and it's time to roll up my sleeves and be honest.

Yellow* came to us early in her life, but not without a difficult history, which continued to be built until she was a year and a half. We.had.no.idea.about.attachment. I thought all she needed was alot of love.

There were things that seemed different to me from the beginning but I thought her personality was just different. She hated to be cuddled, she had a difficult time with eye contact.

And then we hit 10 months....she started screaming.ALOT. And I couldn't comfort her. She didn't want me to comfort her. We began to ask for help, from anyone who would listen. And we continued to ask for help. Birth to Three, psychologists, doctors, social workers. Everyone we talked to said something like "Well she's been with you since she was three months, she should be fine." She wasn't. I wasn't. We weren't.

As the intensity continued I started looking all over the internet, typing in symptoms, I googled everything. And when I read about RAD, I cried. Sobbed. It all fell into place.

So I began attempting to learn about it on my own but still not feeling like I knew what I was doing.

Fast forward to December 2009. Sh*# hit the fan. The girl broke loose, high pitched screaming is her specialty although she can kick with the best of them too. We hit an all time low.

I ran back to the internet and landed in the world of really good things. I love it when things happen in a chain of events. The first thing that happened was my dear friend Sara told me about a place where they would be staying this spring. She said "You should check out Christine's blog." That first time I spent about 2 hours reading. I knew then that I wasn't crazy. I began to pick Christine's brain and stalk her on facebook and she has been such a blessing.

And that began a chain of events that have begun our healing process. Christine told me about Nancy Thomas, whom I had heard of but had sort of overlooked I guess. Through Nancy's website we found a therapist who sat and listened as we told Yellow's story and when we were done said "And now I see why you are here" I wanted to pick that woman up and swing her around. We are into this thing full force now. It has become a 24/7 job to stay on my toes and to be

conscious of it all the time.

We were struggling quite a bit last week, as the major trigger here seems to be food. And Christine connected me with Lisa, whoa that girl blew me away with

her knowledge of attachment. I scribbled notes while she shared so much good

information with me.

We have far to go yes. But we have hope and a plan and people who can talk

me down and walk me through the moments when I am empty of ideas.

When Yellow came, I thought that I could just love her and that would be
enough. And a couple months ago I came to a point that I knew I couldn't just
love her, that that wouldn't heal her. Now I know that I am a key to her healing

process and all the while in the midst of it. I love her.

* I have this beautiful crazy thing where I see each of my kids as a color. There is a color for each of them in my mind, a color that fits them. Our oldest is Pink, our only boy is Blue, the youngest of the big kids is Purple and the littlest is

Yellow.

Seventy Two

2010-02-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

Totally inspired by Tara and her desire to capture her loves and their life.
So I made the commitment to do this. I want my kids to have something to look back on from their simple daily lives and this is perfect and do-able.
Each month we will take a family photo. Some will be fun and creative and some will be simple and just "us" but they will all make me smile. I love them each so. I love us as a whole. I can't imagine us any different.

This was our first and only attempt...it's a bit out of focus but we have the rest of the year to get it right.

B is so into make-up and hair right now. She loves to pick out her sister's clothes and give them makeovers. She just finished Sense & Sensibility and is moving onto Jane Eyre. She goes no where without a book and her cell phone.

T is all over the snowboarding because of the Winter Olympics. He takes whichever sister is willing outside gives them lessons. He is also building Transformers out of Legos. We are reading Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief together and we like to try to race to see who will finish first.

S is 7 weeks into her dreadlock journey. She has the craziest curliest dreads I've seen and they are eating each other up. She takes one of her many bags/purses wherever we go and they are filled with small toys, art supplies and her iPod.

C is making progress. She doesn't enjoy our weekly therapy sessions but LOVES the time with Mom in the car and getting to see Dad in the middle of the day. She makes us all laugh with the things she says. Today was "No me can remember that". She also loves it when I come home with a new outfit for her. Which is funny because she prefers to be in just a pull-up.

Mr is spending every waking hour getting the RV ready for our Texas trip. He comes in and crashes at the end of the day and plays cards on my iphone or reads Lance Armstrong's book. He is so thorough in his work and his desire to complete it all before we leave.

We are both so ready for this trip. The last year has been tough. Not the toughest we've seen but for sure a close second.

Pocket full of Posie

2010-02-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if it's progress somedays. The work and the tears. My mind is never at rest with her. I am always struggling to say the right thing and help her grow best. I over think it and sometimes I want to not worry and just let it flow. But it's different. It's like parenting backwards with your eyes closed and your hands tied. Wanting so badly to give her all that I have, and sometimes feeling like I have nothing at all to offer.

she

2010-01-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

This girl turned 10. The curly headed baby who brought me back to life in her own way. She has patience beyond measure. She is the calm amidst the chaos. Her little dready self, so true to who she is and what she loves.

welcoming a new year by wishing the old farewell

2010-01-04T10:10:00.000-05:00

2009 was a very.hard.year. It started out well and good with hopes and plans and then things got off track. Cancer struck. And it has changed us for certain. The hopes and plans are still there, they just look different and a bit of hesitation sits on our chests.

Sometimes things happen and you become thankful for them. I'm not yet thankful for 2009. It will come...just not yet.

Although there were for sure blessings in amidst the struggle.

15

2009-12-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how it happened. She is fifteen. She is amazing. She is a beautiful soul in a wispy body. For her birthday she chose to spend the day with me... her mother. I can't even tell you how wonderful it was, how my heart beat, listening to the sound of her voice and watching her turn a year older right before my eyes. She is my lovely.

3

2009-12-17T00:50:00.000-05:00

She is three. It seems as if she has been here forever. Somedays with her here fly so quickly and others seem to linger. On those days we long for bedtime and for a fresh day to begin. But we're wishing time away then and I want to savor this time, to taste it and let is sit with me for awhile.

I held her in my arms tonight with tears in my eyes. She has changed me, she has stretched me. I feel so honored and yet so ill quipped to mother her. We are finding our way together her and I.

floating away

2009-08-10T23:34:00.000-04:00

The summer is waning. I try to deny it, try to drag it on and plan events for September and October in the hopes that she will last.
Have you ever noticed we never say..." Winter went so fast this year" ...it's because it hovers and drags its feet up until the last possible second.

This summer seems different than so many others, it's felt less calm and peaceful. And that challenges me to hang onto August for all it's worth.

We have been enjoying many Sunday nights at the lake. We work on the camper on Saturdays, go to church on Sunday and then come home so yellow can have her nap. As soon as she is up we sprint to get out the door and away from it all.

Indeed, it has been the summer of Sunday nights.

grasp

2009-07-24T19:12:00.000-04:00

Sometimes we try to figure it all out, analyze and color it all in. And then when all is said and done it seems we had it all wrong, that the pink was blue and that the shadows fell horizontally instead. Then when we look at it, it's more beautiful than it was when we drew it and dreamed it.

I'm seeing that although right now I'm in the midst of it that is the way my story will go. And in this very glimpse of a second, I can see that. And it makes me thankful and full. It's as if my belly is swollen with a delicious meal, my home full of all the sweet sounds, the soundtrack of my life is beautiful. Not perfect...that isn't it at all. There has been tragedy along with jubilee... but it's all here. All of it.

It's like that for you too...if you really look...it is.

landing

2009-07-09T13:17:00.000-04:00

The summer is slipping away from me. from us. There was so much we wanted to do, so many places we wanted to go, so many veggies we I wanted to eat.

When July rolls around I find it tough. Last week I found myself running to the past, picking up it's hurts and smearing them all over my body. A yearly mud bath... and I've come to allow myself to just "go there", to not fight it, to be sad and hurt and healed all in one. And once it's over I can go forth and be thankful and breathe in the rest of the summer.

So I am landing here. Taking the good stuff forth and thankful for the way things are... and sometimes that's how you get to the core. I could have been raising them alone, I could be stuck in the confusion of who I was. I know myself now, I know him now, and although I know they remember, I know they have watched us heal and mend and become who we really are.

...last week we both reminded each other... that if we had not survived the war in our marriage.. there would be no place for her...

bittersweet days

2009-06-15T15:16:00.000-04:00

When I was little my grandma used to have a love for bittersweet, the tiny citrus colored berries that grow on a grace filled branch. I don't remember where she found them or why she loved them but it's what I think of when I hear the word bittersweet.

That's how life feels right now, bittersweet. It is summer, the days are long, there is so much to fill the time. During the school year I long for these days, the days that start later, and end later. Mornings filled with cereal and fresh fruit, and then everyone off to explore the yard, the pool, the sun. And yet now that it's here I find myself wishing the time to slow. Wanting to grab each moment and shove it deep into my pocket. No workbooks to fill, no snow to shovel, no layers to peel on and off every time you go outside.

I love schooling them, I can't imagine my days without them all. But I love these carefree days more, the sunkissed skin, the late night dinners, the iced coffee, the s'mores, the windows open, carrying the sounds of bliss into these walls, filling them.

I'm finding that my camera is loving this time of year too..

to begin

2009-06-11T22:51:00.000-04:00

Today I have decided to redo things here. I am no longer calling this a business type blog. It will simply be collections from my journey. Some photographs, some words, some links. A place to just be mine and what I want to share.

graham crackers and honey

2009-06-11T22:45:00.000-04:00

My late night go-to comfort food is graham crackers with honey, cinnamon and milk. It's my can't sleep-head swirling, list-making food. When I lie awake and sleep won't come it's what I long for.

Right now it's 4 am. I have been awake and restless for an hour, I have read my bible study for the day and instead of bringing calm, it made my mind reel even more.

I'm not sure how I ended up here, how the girl who was full of fight and boldness had become shallow and passive. I miss her, the old girl, the naive girl. And yet I can't help but wonder how genuine she was, was she just prideful and stupid, or was she just full of truth, knowing the cause and marching bravely toward it?

This restlessness has got to stop, I have to find where that girl went and bring back just the pure, raw things from her.

I want to ask the ones who knew her. Where are the ones who walked this journey alongside of her? Were they really there or was she even more alone than this?

I hear people talk about their "tribe" the people on the bleachers in their lives, the ones who cheer no matter what, and I can't help but wonder at my tribe now. Are these the people who can help me on my crusade? Or must I walk it anew, alone. Must I head in, with my stick in my hand and conquer this thing with my bare hands. Surely there is strength in that, but will I be better for it? Or will I end up scattered and confused.

Today will bring a big list, papers scratched and scribbled. But will it bring the peace, the truth, and a sense of freedom? Or will it bring more wounds, more distance from the girl I seek to find?

we're not in Kansas anymore

2009-05-19T07:10:00.000-04:00

It has been a whirlwind the last month. The husband of mine struck down with cancer. Unexpected, unseen, unacknowledged. And yet the power behind it has forced us to re-evaluate and focus on what matters. There have been dr visits, surgery, oncologists visits, internet searches and yet here we are, grounded in it. Hanging on to what we know to be true and solid, each other, the peeps, and most of all the Savior...he has hidden us in the feather of his wings, and there is no better place to be than that.

500 days of Summer

2009-04-18T15:49:00.000-04:00

We were supposed to see this film at the Film Festival...our truck broke down. We missed it. I am sad I missed it and will for sure make it to the theatres in July.

ketchup

2009-04-09T15:27:00.000-04:00

We moved...and I have neglected this place that I love. So here I come with full force. Much to say. I think I'll say it with photos.

It's becoming a tradition to take a photo in the mirrors at Ikea.

My Mr celebrated another birthday. We couldn't find the birthday candles, they were in a box somewhere. So a tealight did the job.

I got my hair cut and I love it. This photo was before I had it colored too. My brother's girlfriend cut it and it was cool to get to hang out a bit with her and get to know her a little more.

We love our new place. It feels way more like home and we are already hanging photographs on the walls.

two years ago...

2009-03-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

today, they carried her into our home. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, she was tiny, her little round face and her bitty eyes. All of her belongings in a cardboard box, dirty, used things. Things that didn't feel like they belonged to her. We had no idea she was there to stay, no idea that she would be here two years later, filling our home with her soprano voice.

The moment I held her she stopped the screaming, she knew that she was home, she knew before we did. I can't imagine our lives any other way. It has been orchestrated so beautifully, but the tears had flowed down my cheeks, I have held her as she screams for the woman who birthed her. I have whispered in her ear, "I am here to stay, I will never leave you" and wonder if she will ever believe me.

so much ...

2009-03-09T14:47:00.000-04:00

to say, to do, to let out, to hold back..

We are in the process of moving, and while it is a super positive move for us, it is still a bit overwhelming. We are also implementing some new sensory therapy for our littlest and it also has been positive, but requires some time on my part and has just become another thing that needs to be done.

What I really want to do is take photographs, alot of photographs. So I am trying to sneak them in amongst the therapy, the packing, the schooling, the laundry, the ....

Coraline

2009-02-27T01:05:00.000-05:00

The big kids and I snuck out late on a school night to go see Coraline in 3d. It was one of those things I just really wanted to do for them and with them and it was a sweet night.

The movie did not disappoint and I was glad to crammed it in tonight. It was the last night in 3D and I think that really made it.

We have this great little thing where we read the book first and then go see the movie. We did that with Narnia, and Winn Dixie and now Coraline. The oldest and I also did that with Twilight. There is something about reading the book first and seeing it all in your head and then comparing your imagination with the movie.

So now I want to dye my hair blue and buy some pink Chuckies...we'll see. One of those things is on the list;)

Winter

2009-02-23T13:16:00.000-05:00

Every winter it comes crashing in and in some strange way it's all familiar. I sit in expectation of it, knowing it will come like an old blanket, held close for so many years, worn, but still known. My camera sits, the tears flow easier, the days seem longer and it seems harder to find something that brings a smile to my face.

Spring will come . I know this . Yet still it seems to far away . And yet there is a part of me that does not hate the winter, the sadness. It is part of me, part of who I am and I don't want to deny it.

self

2009-02-17T10:05:00.000-05:00

It's hard for me to have my photograph taken. I avoid it at all costs. And usually when someone gets a photo of me I'm blinking or making a ridiculous face, not on purpose, it just ends up that way.

At Christmastime, my mother in law asked if we had any photos of me, she needed them for a calendar. I told her no...and she said "That's fine, I have one of your high school senior photos, I'll just use that." I graduated 15 years ago...it's no one's fault but my own. I hide from the camera, I dislike my nose, my smile my hair etc.

But do you know what? If I were gone, if something tragic happened to me, what would be left for my children? What would they have to remember my crooked smile or my green eyes?

It was time to stop hiding, to set myself in front of the camera and face my demons.

I started a 365 project of myself. One photo every day of me. Every day for one year.

I've already learned so much, and I hate myself a little less...today.

to my valentine

2009-02-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

You are the best first husband ever. I love you so. I look forward to forever and ever with you, wherever we live, as long as all of our days are spent together. I love our Fridays, and our Saturdays and our Sundays.

why so downcast oh my soul

2009-02-10T10:53:00.000-05:00

refocused

2009-02-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

The Mr and I got away overnight and it has refreshed me. It has been so long since we did that, and it was seriously one of the best overnights ever. We swam and soaked in the steam room and slept in a featherbed...ahh.

The struggle is now what to do here at home. How do you carry that into your everyday chaos? How do you hang onto it when there is nothing calm to hang on to? Trying hard to figure that out.

I mean to take a nasty amount of photos this week. I have yet to push the shutter on the new Rollei and the holga that I got for my birthday is begging to be figured out.

I once read that the best way to be in the moment is to make plans and to take photos...I love that, need that, cling to that.

35 things

2009-01-27T13:33:00.000-05:00

This girl inspires me beyond belief. So much so that I want to be like her, but still be myself.

http://hulaseventy.blogspot.com/

So I am making a list... maybe alot of lists. But I'm starting here, in fact I started this last week before my birthday and some have already happened. I think 35 might be a tough one for me. I almost had an anxiety attack when a couple weeks ago I thought I was going to turn 35 this year. Then Mr reminded me that I was only turning 34. So we'll save the panic attack for later... all the more reason I think this list is a good idea.

35 things to do before I turn 35

1. shoot with a holga

2. go out for sushi

3. visit somewhere I've never been

4. try Indian food

5. learn some spanish

6. read at least 2 classics

7. finish reading through the whole bible

8. knit a scarf

9. complete my 365 project

10. make a fancy cake for no reason

11. sew a crazy quilt

12. paint a room pink

13. make a red velvet cake

14. go to a movie by myself

15. go to a concert of an old favorite

16. buy an old typewriter

17. have a martini

18. have an image published

19. develop my own action in photoshop

20. read all the Harry Potter books

21. adopt Yellow

22. get a funky haircut

23. fast

24. buy some pink shoes

25. go to a ren faire

26. spend a day on State Street

27. learn one song on my guitar really well

28. purge what I own

29 Throw a party

30 Buy some super fun sunglasses and wear them to the beach

31 Pack a picnic lunch and take it on the motorcycle with Mr

32 Sing in public

33 Teach the kids about photography

34 Get a massage regularly

35 sleep in a yurt

34

2009-01-26T10:56:00.000-05:00

I celebrated my birthday last week. It was a good one. It always is but sometimes it just meshes and this year was like that.

The day before I got to spend time with my Mom. Talking, shopping, reading, eating. It was good, full and all that it should have been.

Mr took my birthday off and brought me pancakes in bed, and gifts and laughter. The children were thoughtful and sweet. And the day ended with burritos and delicious margaritas.

I don't think it was a coincidence that when we sat down at our table, the number 34 was there. I think it's going to be a very good year.

past, present & future

2009-01-20T08:55:00.000-05:00

Too much time has passed to try to catch up so I will let it be what it was.

There is much swirling around my mind. Yesterday was a tough one, one that left me tired and sore and I find myself uncertain of today, cautious. I wonder about the future, what it holds, where we go from here. Those thoughts can sweep in and overcome. And while sometimes they sweep you with them, today I will let them sweep and see where I am standing when they pass over.

Today I will let the day be filled with glimpses of laughter and silence, small moments, searching harder for them. And to hide myself in the shadow of his wings, there is peace only found there.

the new bed

2009-01-02T17:28:00.000-05:00

So he saw it in my eyes when I looked at it. How I loved it, and then when I said..."I've never had a bed with a headboard and a footboard" and "I've never had a brand new bed, our was picked up on the side if the road"

So we came home with this.

Ikea Trip

2009-01-01T13:42:00.000-05:00

We love to make a couple trips to Ikea a year. There is something about it.... I love the decor and all the creative things and ideas. He loves the meatballs:) They love to just be with us and hang out for the day. They seriously don't ask for much when we're there. Although this time we came home with plans to make new beds for the big ones.

to 2009

2008-12-31T23:54:00.000-05:00

here she comes...and I great her with open arms. There is good stuff to come. We are all so ready.

2008-12-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

She is now 14. The baby who taught me what love was... what love is. The kind of love that makes you willing to lay down and die or stand up and live. She is that for me. The first baby that grew in my belly, who's birth was painful but yet calm and peaceful.. the way she is, the startling redhead who forced me to wear my heart on the outside. She is love. She is beauty. She is peace.

Fourteen is hitting me harder than 13 did. I have four years before she spreads her blessed wings. I have so much I want to share with her, to teach her, to learn from her. It certainly causes me to stop and think about how fast that time will go... four short years. It makes me want to hide away from all the other things, to shut out the world and just enjoy her, enjoy them all.

two

2008-12-16T22:16:00.000-05:00

She is now two. Two years ago today we were busy celebrating our firstborn's birthday. We had chinese food and went shopping, watched movies and she had a sleepover. That was two years ago last night. We went back and looked at the calender after she came. Sat down and tried to remember everything we did the night she was born.

We had three big kids then, life seemed fine, good even, Mr and I enjoyed dates and so much one on one time. But looking back there was a void, a small empty spot, a nagging.. a knowing that someone needed me... needed us. And less than three months later she slept in our house, we had no idea it would come to this, no idea that we would ever be her parents. We just wanted to help, to make a difference. And now I realize that she is the one making the difference and we are being changed because of her.

We all celebrated tonight, all day actually. Dora fruit snacks, goldfish, chinese food:) cupcake, balloon, candles, presenst, lots of singing. She got scared of her presents, threw a tantrum, refused her cupcake... it was a pretty normal night. :) Tonight life feels full, that empty place is full, my life is full. She completes us all.

AWITL

2008-12-12T11:42:00.000-05:00

So it didn't happen this week as I had hoped. I started strong and spiraled out. But I feel ok about that and I did get this shot to use on our cards this year.

Other things swirling around my head.... next week I am helping with the Salvation Army program that helps families who have nothing for Christmas. I love that and always find that it's Christmas for me, it gives me perspective and puts me in the mood to just enjoy the season with my family and those I love.

We have our first big state home visit on Monday and I am going crazy trying to get things done and also sewing and crafting like crazy!

i came across this and wanted to share...it has such meaning and helps with perspective ..if you need some:)

AWITL Dec day 1

2008-12-09T00:07:00.000-05:00

I took photographs, created, cleaned and thrived today. It was a good day.... really good. and even tho something came up that could've knocked me down and drug me around... I didn't go there.

And yet tonight I felt so full and ready to dissect the day and process it and I had hoped that he would want to do that too. I hesitated because it didn't feel right as the words tumbled out, I was longing to grab them and hold on to them, knowing I would regret sharing them... and I did...and now I don't want to talk about it, and the day seems less beautiful than it was, and the words flow less easily. And sometimes I hate that I give that much power away.

And you know how you said that it looks like a fairytale...well I'm not a princess... and the white horse...I'm not sure

much to come

2008-12-08T00:32:00.000-05:00

this week I am going to do a week in the life again. I want to capture all that is buzzing around here. The tree, the lights, the sewing, the books read and celebrations planned.

For now this will be quick-ish:)

The tree is up, actually it's our second tree, the first was pungent of dog urine. Apparently sometime between the time we brought it home and the time we put it in the house, the neighbor dogs marked it...well. We tried everything to get the smell out and to no avail. So my sweet Mom went out and cut us another tree, from their hundreds.. and drove here yesterday to bless us. I got really thankful and sentimental over the 2nd tree.. for lots of silly reasons, but I will say.. I think it's the prettiest tree we've ever had. I'm pretty sure it's about 10 feet tall.

B went to a lock in with her youth group last night and they watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy. She had so much fun and sometimes when I look at her I want to cry.. I'm not sure where my 10 pound baby went. Before she left her little sister had a few moments of tears... they are so close and S just couldn't bear to be without her for the night. It made me wish for a sister. They have something that you just can't find anywhere.

Church today was really precious. We sang Christmas songs and if you know me I love Christmas music, but this is so much deeper. Travis sings the songs, the old favorite songs, in such a way that they are new all over again. I leaned over to Dan and told him how much I loved it...he said "I know you do" It was raw and holy and made me think about the things that really matter this time of year and always. This song hit me hard.. I love Andrew Peterson, his music has kept me company in the darkest hours and in the times of great struggle...and hope.

Labor Of Love by andrew peterson

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyways that night
On the streets of David's town

And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love

Noble Joseph at her side
Callused hands and weary eyes
There were no midwives to be found
In the streets of David's town
In the middle of the night

So he held her and he prayed
Shafts of moonlight on his face
But the baby in her womb
He was the maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
For little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
It was a labor of love

i do not love thee

2008-12-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

I'm going to start sharing some things that I love for the month of December. So today is a poem that I heard at open mic last month. This crazy talented woman who has the most beautiful voice put this poem to music. It was phenomenal.

I do not love Thee

I DO not love thee!--no! I do not love thee!
And yet when thou art absent I am sad;
And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,
Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad.

I do not love thee!--yet, I know not why,
Whate'er thou dost seems still well done, to me:
And often in my solitude I sigh
That those I do love are not more like thee!

I do not love thee!--yet, when thou art gone,
I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)
Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone
Thy voice of music leaves upon my ear.

I do not love thee!--yet thy speaking eyes,
With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,
Between me and the midnight heaven arise,
Oftener than any eyes I ever knew.

I know I do not love thee! yet, alas!
Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;
And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,
Because they see me gazing where thou art.

Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton

yesterday

2008-11-28T09:29:00.001-05:00

was sweet in ways I hadn't planned, and has left a sweet taste in my mouth. Sometimes the very best plans are the ones you don't make, letting the day unfold into what it was and falling asleep happy and content. Loving my husband, my beautiful amazing and content kids, laughing with my Mom and Dad and brother. Looking forward to all that happens in the next month and beyond, feeling the rush of the Christmas season and in the midst of it watching her and hoping that she will see how good things are for her and for us.

Creation

2008-11-24T12:52:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for the beauty around me. That even when I fail to see it, it's still there. I am thankful for new eyes this morning. We awoke to a nice blanket of snow and it was white and bright and refreshing. And although I don't like the cold I love to awaken to this beauty.

please forgive me

2008-11-19T11:46:00.001-05:00

... for not being able to rejoice, for being tired and dreading the waiting, for not finding God in this right now, for not finding myself in this, for not having peace, and for wanting it so badly.

Elephants

2008-11-13T09:14:00.001-05:00

I can't get this song out of my head... it's haunting... and real and raw.

And I found these words here and they need to be printed and handed to every husband out there.

An Open Letter to my Husband

A woman who feels desired is many things:
She is less likely to reach frustration with
you
or the children
or the cat
or the dog.
She is more likely to feel like an important part of
your life
and the home you share
and the children you created together.
She is more likely to look at her own body
and instead of feeling disgust at the way it has changed
since bringing your children into the world,
she is more likely to remember the feel of
your hands on her hips
or trailing down her spine
or the way that you pull her in
and fit her perfectly into the spaces of your own form.
A woman who feels desired
is so much easier to sit across the table from
as she is less likely to be judging
her own skin
her own curves
her own worth
her place in the bed that you share.
She is more likely to care for the body she has been given,
feed it good, whole foods
put it to frequent use in the garden
enjoy the pull of muscle
and increasing strength
as she carries ever-growing children
and becomes more confident with household repairs.
A woman who feels desired will rear children
who see their bodies as perfect works of art
that should be celebrated
respected
and capable of love.

It takes very little to make a woman feel desired.
It does not require
expensive jewelery
exotic flowers
pages of poems
romantic dates
or even dramatic words.
You can tell a woman you desire her
with nothing more than a look
a simple touch
a well placed word
and by listening to what she's saying
and then responding appropriately.

Without those simple things
even a strong woman may start to feel
less.
And less leads to
depression
self loathing
anger
frustration
bad parenting
and a marriage
that may not last the next five years.

So when your wife asks you,
"Do you find me sexy?"
the answer should never be
a long pause
followed by a apologetic
"I just love you."

Lie to me
if you have to,
but tell me "yes"
and then watch
as my confidence continues
to bloom
and my heart stays open
even when the world
is throwing us curve balls.
Because sometimes,
a woman needs to know she is desired
or she'll start to believe
it is no longer true.

my faith

2008-11-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

Sometimes it is all that I know for sure... and sometimes I struggle to really believe that it's true. But when it comes down to it.. the reason I breathe is Jesus. The reason I have any hope is Jesus. The reason that I know where I'm going when I leave this world, which is not my home... is Jesus.

goody goody gumdrops

2008-11-10T23:03:00.001-05:00

.. did you ever say that as a kid?
I am excited tonight about a variety of things... thankful I guess. :)
... Kelly's trip and all that will include
... the upcoming season and celebrations.
... the fact that a week from today we will be done in court... except for the adoption day!
... that D promised to take me to my fave restaurant for vegetarian strudel sometime this week.
.. that I have a dryer this winter. Seriously love my $40 dryer.
.. for this verse that gave me a good whipping

4Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:4-5

Something to work on for me for sure. Funny how it says teach the younger women to love their husbands, and children. Which to me says that it can be learned and is something you have to work at. hhmmm

on it goes

2008-11-09T22:41:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for..
a fully belly... we made a yummy dinner tonight of White Tuscan Bean Stew, apple pie bars and bread from Panera
a nice morning with my mom yesterday. Going to a craft sale, drinking coffee and buying shoes.. for her:) I'll get some next time.
a hopeful heart that my Kelly and Makenna and Sam might be coming next month.
a husband that lets me walk thru every aisle of the Christmas section at Target.
my sweet babes, who feel bad for me when that so called husband beats me at Guitar Hero.
a home with a warm bed and a great cozy feel. I miss my house alot.. alot but it's good here. I love the light and it feels like home for now.

more thanks:)

2008-11-06T22:37:00.001-05:00

Quickie tonight:)

Tonight is about him.. the other half of me. The one who knows me better than I know myself. The one who can see it in my eyes when I'm about to cry, who is there when it all comes raining down. There are days it's a mess and days it's the amazing... but no matter how it's playing out... I know that he is my forever.

This is from almost a year ago on my birthday.. and I have so few of us. I love this.. him all dressed up, me looking like a girl, ready for dinner, walking out the door of our hotel room. I love how he humors me and will let me take photographs, how he knows that's who I am.

I love ya babe.

a month of gratitude

2008-11-05T22:32:00.001-05:00

I have been really feeling called to be thankful, it keeps coming up over and over and I know that it makes such a difference in how I view things, which I really need right now. I know it's the month that everybody is talking about Thankfulness and so be it. All the more thankful people walking around.

I am going to attempt a Thankful month, a good place to start, and then hopefully continue.

This morning when I was thinking about my post for today it seemed easy to think of all the things I could list, and now after a long day and evening, and week and month etc I am finding it more difficult. Which I think is all the more reason that I have to do this.

So my random thankfulness for tonight.. my children, who keep me grounded, who can make everything better and everything harder all in one second. They are the thing that makes me hang on. To know they are watching and all that I do affects them is so humbling.

For a couple who I reconnected with today that were pivotal in my marriage. Talking with them makes me think that anything is possible and that no matter who is in office or who is sleeping on the street, God is still real right there in the midst of it all.

For a Kelly box. That lit up our whole house and made us all a little bit kinder and walking a little more lightly.

For water, that comes out of my faucet, that we don't have to dig for, or beg for.

For my bed, my Bible, my ipod. For my lavender soap, my dread shampoo, for soy chai teas at Crossroads and for guitar hero..

the only life...

2008-11-04T10:48:00.001-05:00

I can enjoy is my own...

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in wanting our life to look like someone elses or in being discouraged that ours doesn't look the way we thought it would.

Lately that's where I've been, restless and wishing things away. Then I read the above in a book last night and it hit me... this is my life. This is what I've been given.
In Matthew 25 it talks about the parable of the talents(money). How the master went away and before he left he gave 3 servants different amounts. To one he gave 5, to another 2 and the other he gave one. He gave to them based on their ability.. what he knew they could do with it.

When he returned the first two men had doubled the amount they had been given.. they took it and did what he knew they could do. But the last man.. he hid his money, saying "I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money"

Now that might seem like a really good idea.. but guess what the master said...."That's a terrible way to live! It's criminal to live cautiously like that!".... and then he goes on to say "get rid of this play it safe who won't go out on a limb." (the message)

ouch... are you playing it safe, are you taking the talent they He has given and wasting it, playing it safe? You're not responsible for anybody elses.. just your own, whether it is little or much.

myself

2008-10-21T20:34:00.001-04:00

I am at a season in my life of figuring things out. Figuring out who I really am, and not so much trying to figure out why I am the way that I am, but letting myself be that person. I have fought it for so long, denied the things that I want and allowing people to have too much control. I am drawing a box around myself and not allowing the negative anymore.

I have always wanted to be transparent and giving and it has caught up with me. I have to figure out what I want, really want and stop waiting for it. To set some healthy boundaries, so that I can be real and not deny who I am. The fear has had it's turn to run things, and now I'm taking control.

leftovers

2008-10-21T20:28:00.001-04:00

some random shots left from AWITL. I missed these before but wanted to post them before I forgot... again:)

This is the view into the drawer on my nightstand, I have a thing for big chunky bracelets.

This is the gallery where I'm a coop member. I walked in one day and saw this and knew I had to capture it. I love the colors.

And this is one of our fave places to hang out. It's a little coffee shop not far from where we live and they have live music and open mic nights. These guys were definitely one of our most enjoyable nights. They had a Bob Dylan folksie style. Love that.

Sneak peek C&C

2008-10-20T16:57:00.000-04:00

These little boys were so adorable... so much fun. Andrea, thanks for letting me spend some time with you all. your gallery will be up soon~!

FLYLADY

2008-10-20T12:23:00.000-04:00

I'll be the first to admit that I struggle with consistency and having my home the way that I want it to be. I get sidetracked sooo easily and before I know it the day is almost over and my list is longer than when I started. When the big kids were smaller I used the Flylady system and it worked... so well. Here's a link www.flylady.net

So I've come back to it and today is Day One. I thought that if I posted here I would be better about holding myself accountable. Of course I'm thinking that ths might be fun to document with photos...we'll see:)

The Long Defeat

2008-10-17T18:23:00.001-04:00

by Sara Groves

I have joined the long defeat
that falling set in motion
all my strength and energy
are raindrops in the ocean

so conditioned for the win
to share in victor's stories
but in the place of ambition's din
I've heard of other glories

I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win
that's the end of all belief
and nothing has provoked it more
than a possible defeat

I pray for an idea
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

We walk a while we sit and rest
we lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next
but what I have I've offered

I pray for a vision
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

I pray for inspiration
and a way I cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
and impossible to leave

Tonight I've had a scare and my mind is going to the bad places... I hate that. I want to walk in confidence..but I am shaken. Clinging to the foot of the cross.

15 years ago

2008-10-16T11:17:00.001-04:00

I walked down the aisle and married this man. We were young and naive, we thought that it would all be easy and blissful. It has been hard, we have walked the dirt road and I am so thankful that we have come through it all. This was our song at our wedding and I was thinking about it the other day, after all these years, it still holds true.

Two Sparrows in a Hurricane

She's fifteen and he's barely driving a car
She's got his ring and he's got the keys to her heart
It's just matter of time
They'll spread their wings and fly

Like two sparrows in a hurricane
Trying to find their way
With a head full of dreams
And faith that can move anything
They've heard it's all uphill
But all they know is how they feel
The world says they'll never make it, love says they will

There's a baby crying and one more on the way
There's a wolf at the door with a big stack of bills
They can't pay
The clouds are dark and the wind is high
But they can see the other side

Like two sparrows in a hurricane
Trying to find their way
With a head full of dreams
And faith that can move anything
They've heard it's all uphill
But all they know is how they feel
The world says they'll never make it, love says they will

She's eighty-three and he's barely driving a car
She's got his ring and he's got the key to her heart
It's just a matter of time
They'll spread their wings and fly

Like two sparrows in a hurricane
Trying to find their way
With a head full of dreams
And faith that can move anything
They've heard it's all uphill
But all they know is how they feel
The world says they'll never make it, love says they will

Tuesday October 14th, 2008

2008-10-15T00:51:00.001-04:00

Twelve years ago I was laying in a hospital bed after losing our 2nd child at 14 weeks... every year on this day finds me a little teary, always wondering what that babe would've been, what we missed, always reflecting on that loss...

Twelve years to the day of that horrible loss... we became so much closer to gaining our 4th child. There are no words for what is going on inside... still waiting for it to sink in... and wondering what life will look like a few months from now.

So very full tonight and even tho my heart is full... I will never forget the little life that we lost.

progress

2008-10-12T16:06:00.001-04:00

...not much to say except that we are making progress and counting down the days. We attempted to have a normal weekend, whatever that looks like. And have been reminded that the enemy hates what we are trying to do.

I had a session yesterday and will get a sneak peak up soon. It was good time and a great distraction from everything else. Thanks Andrea!

We'll be in court the next few days and they will be long ones but we continue to also be reminded of His grace and the picture of a true Father.

the beginning of the end

2008-10-07T11:06:00.001-04:00

This morning as my beloved drove to court he called to tell me that he had heard a song.. that was for her and I for each other and from God. It is the thing carrying me through today... so many prayers, so many tears, so much waiting...

AWITL take 5

2008-10-03T23:58:00.001-04:00

There are no words for today, honestly the words seem so small and the emotions so high.. all to say that a man made a sacrifice because of love, and we will forever be thankful for that. I think of him tonight and say a prayer for him... not able to imagine making the choice that he made and yet knowing that his heart must hurt. So thankful...

I'm not going to share my images from today. I tried to find a song or something that captured how I feel and there was nothing. But I remembered this.. His sacrifice was even greater, and I love Him all the more for it tonight...It all feels small in comparison...
thank you sweet Jesus..

Isaiah 53

1 Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?
2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.

7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

AWITL Day 4

2008-10-02T22:52:00.001-04:00

Thursday! So love that I am still doing this...

The thing that I noticed about todays photos is that the children are starting to want me to take a photo of everything... everything...

Case in point T was given a bubblegum cigar by our youth pastors son...hhmm ..... does that seem right to you?

and then there was..."look how many noodles I can get on my fork"

but before that there was a discussion on her learning about Ancient Rome and how the coliseum was built..

she even shared with me that they didn't have toilet paper and had to use a sponge on a stick....

no photos of that ;)

AWITL Day 3

2008-10-01T21:16:00.001-04:00

It's so unusual for me to stick with anything this long.. so proud of myself.

The difficult thing about blogging is that for most people, it's a place to share about themselves, their thoughts, their days and their life. And while they might hold somethings back they stlll put themselves out there in the sharing.

For me it's different. There are so many pictures I can't share, so many words I can't say and so much that is inside that has to stay shut off. That is hard. I have a friend who told me "Someday, you're going to stand on a stage and tell your whole story" and at the time it seemed like a nice idea... now while sometimes so far out of reach... I long for it so badly. To tell our story, the whole story, and yet I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I will always have to hide parts of us, always have to protect her, and us, and I'm grieving that tonight. Longing for the balance between protection and fear, trying to figure out what's best for us all.

For awhile I kept two blogs, one for public/business related stuff, and one personal. And if you know anything you know that I am not a consistent blogger, so basically I had two blogs that were neglected. But sometimes I miss that and maybe I'll go back to that one day. For now.. I'll let you imagine what it's like in the pictures I don't share and the words I don't say.

So today was about her... and that's how it is right now. I try to balance it and make it all work even, but today had to be about her, and the next few weeks are about her. And if you are the praying sort.. would you just whisper to God that we need Him right now? To be real and tangible.

My photos today are few and that's good because I was doing the things that were needful. I was reading in my journal today about letting go of the goodd things and grabbing on to what is needful. So here are the ones that were taken in my little world today.

This morning I made banana muffins. I needed two eggs, and found that there were two yolks in the first egg. Sometimes things are like that, there is way more on the inside, than you see on the outside.

Some of my fine art prints are displayed at the local art gallery. A small glimpse.

And tonight my prayer is that I would be like a tree planted by the water, like a reed that bows before Him always.

day 2 AWITL

2008-09-30T23:25:00.001-04:00

Yea..today. Took very few shots, felt yucky all day and didn't love the way I wish I had. BUT ...
going thru my images tonight I came upon a theme... so we'll go with that.

I love night, I love them snuggled in their beds, I love time with my beloved, love the quiet reflective time. I am definitely a night person, but more because I can reflect back on today. and today my reflections make me sad. Sitting in my bed watching Amelie and eating Cream of Wheat, feeling sorry..

I wasted time today, took it for granted, grumbled alot, and I know there's room for mistakes here, but sometimes the night brings me to a place where I want to do better and I know I missed the boat, so I need grace tonight for all the conversations I missed with them and all the time I lost.

{My sweet night owl, last night at 11 pm, eating an apple in my room and watching me chat with Kell about Hank the Cowdog}

{Then finally settling in with his book and a flashlight}

Here's to new mercies tomorrow.

Grace and Peace